Wednesday, March 30, 2005

WULAD’s Earth-Saving Tips
A recent United Nations-sponsored study found that humankind may have consumed up to 60% of the Earth’s natural resources. How can we help stem this dangerous tide of overuse?

  • Cut down on food consumption by chewing a delicious cud for breakfast, another for lunch, followed by a sensible dinner.

  • "Chestnuts roasting over an open fire" have long been a beloved holiday tradition; however, to conserve resources, try using a high-powered industrial microwave oven instead of a wood fire, and balls of tightly-crumpled aluminum foil rather than chestnuts.

  • Here’s a quick tip to save electricity during breakfast preparation: simply leave slices of bread on your kitchen counter before bed; in the morning, you’ve got delicious "air toast"!

  • Speaking of toasters: bathtub electrocution suicides are a serious power drain. For a more Earth-friendly suicide, try drinking a nice cup of organic drain-cleaner.

  • Cattle grazing is one of the most environmentally destructive agricultural practices; why not cut down on the demand for beef by spending one month eating only the animals you can catch in your own apartment?

  • Good news, Terri Schiavo! Individuals in persistent vegetative states can still be productive members of society—just immerse them in fluid, plug them into a giant, robot-maintained power generator array to harvest their natural electricity, and create a vast virtual reality network to convince them they’re actually leading fulfilling lives and going to edgy dance parties.

  • Each month, "feminine hygiene" products created for womens' "menstrual cycles" account for large amounts of plastic, cotton, and packaging waste; this could be greatly curtailed if women would agree to stop this costly and disgusting habit.

  • Hey Stephen Hawking—how about cutting down on all that battery power your luxury-chair/speech synthesizer is hogging by using your own damn legs and voice for once?

  • To conserve toilet paper, try wiping with the soft, absorbent New York Post.