Wrapped Up Like A Douche

Ode to America’s Next Top Model, Season 4, in Seven and-Two-Fifths Limericks

There once was a winner named Naima
A spiky-haired multi-kulti dream-a
She seemed sweet enough,
'Til the going got rough—
Then out came the mean little scheme-a.


There was a runner-up named Kahlen
Whose confidence was constantly fahlen;
She’d never been boyfriended
(Though those days are ended),
But her future should be smooth sahlen.


There was a blonde bomb named Michelle
Whose facial sores looked like hell
It may have been scabies
Or possibly rabies—
But only her vet can tell.


There once was an Amazon named Brittany
Who liked to get drunk as shittany
So I raised my cup
When she screamed "SHAADUUUUP!"
But how can I end this with "litany"?


Rebecca was kind of a dud,
'Til she fell to the floor with a THUD!
But she weighed 50 lbs.—
Can someone get her a Mounds®?
Or perhaps she could just chew her cud.


And who could forget llovely Lluvy
Whose pictures came out lless than ggruvy?
Those judges wouldn’t know bbeauty
If it bit their botox bbooty
So she llost and lleft in her SUV.


Keenyah began with some class
Which gradually gave way to sass—
When her waistline kept growing,
She had to be going,
But she weighed less than Tyra’s fat ass.


There was a lolita named Brita
—wait, which one was Brita again?