Wrapped Up Like A Douche

Notes and Quotes: Hurricane Edition
"We totally understand what it's like to be sitting on top of a roof or to be sitting in a shelter where it's hot; where you're worried about when you're going to be picked up; where you're thirsty; where you're hungry; where you're afraid for yourself, you're afraid for members of your family," Department of Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff told reporters at a Washington news conference. He then continued, "Not."

"Flood control has been a priority of this administration from Day One," said White House press secretary Scott McClellan, and then quickly added, "OPPOSITE DAY!"
[Thanks to C-baby.]

"I want to assure the people of the affected areas and this country that we'll deploy the assets necessary to get the situation under control, to get the help to the people who've been affected, and that we're beginning long-term planning to help those who have been displaced, as well as long-term planning to help rebuild the communities that have been affected," the president said, as reporters noticed what appeared to be monkeys flying out of his butt.

"I don't make judgments about why people chose not to leave but, you know, there was a mandatory evacuation of New Orleans," [FEMA director Michael Brown] said. "Stupid non-car-havin' losers," he was then heard to mutter.

The president was grim-faced as he prepared for an aerial tour of the flood region, and he expressed ambivalence about his journey. Before he departed for the region, he told reporters in Washington that "I'm looking forward to my trip," but later, in Mobile, he said, "I'm not looking forward to this trip." [No editing necessary.]

LATE UPDATE—From Joe NPR Commentator: "Well, it is the Deep South, so needless to say there are a lot of dead dogs around here."