Friday, November 11, 2005

God is Angry
I know everyone's probably already been over this, but I had a few thoughts on Pat Robertson's recent statements about the Lord's forthcoming wrath towards the city of Dover, Pennsylvania. One response to this would be to conclude that Pat Robertson is an asshole, which of course he is, but I have to say that I believe the Good Reverend is basically correct in this case.

However, I feel the Lord may be a little more subtle in the dispensation of this justice than Rev. Robertson has conjectured. Some of the victims of His wrath will be struck down in the prime of life, with their potential unrealized. For others, the smiting may begin slowly--they will gradually weaken and be stricken with increasing aches and pains. They will find it increasingly difficult to participate in activities they once enjoyed, and fade into the irrelevance and indignity of old age. They will be perplexed and annoyed with the customs and behaviors of those younger than themselves. They will suffer the loss of beloved friends, lovers, and pets. They will watch the hopes and dreams they once had withered by the killing frost of reality. They will find themselves having to visit the bathroom with increasing frequency, and require an ever-growing intake of Metamucil.

Eventually, God's vengeful fury will deprive each and every one of the residents of this accursed city of life altogether.

However, I believe that God is so angry that He will also bring down the very same wrath upon the citizens of neighboring towns, who may have been similarly corrupted, as well as anyone who dares to sympathize with the residents of Dover, or think kindly of them in any way. In fact, His judgment will extend to all the citizens of Pennsylvania, as well as any other state in this heathen country, and every other country, for that matter. And I believe He will throw in every plant, animal, or protozoan on the planet for good measure.

For the sake of thoroughness, the Lord will continue this punishment in perpetuity, with new generations being preƫmptively condemned as they come into existence.

However, it's possible that this same punishment may have been in store for all of us regardless of the outcome of Dover's school board election. This is just a guess on my part.

In any case: Those Who are About to be Smoten Salute You, Pat!

P.S. Damien Hirst did a piece called "The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living," which I think is relevant to this discussion. Here it is.