Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Ways in Which Art Garfunkel Would Make a Better Supreme Court Justice Than Samuel Alito

  • Dramatic rise and fall in American pop culture gives him a unique understanding of the pitfalls of sudden fame

  • When tears are in the legal system's eyes, he'll dry them all... with justice

  • Rather than overturning such established law as Roe v. Wade, would fiercely argue for the legal precedent supporting the Paul Simon is a Dickwad Amendment

  • Has never pledged undying allegiance to the Will of the Dark Lord, unlike some people

  • Would like to know a little bit about the American people for his files; would like to help them learn to help themselves

  • Would easily silence overbearing justices such as Scalia and Thomas with his memorable courtroom catchphrase, "It was against the law, what the Mama saw!"

  • Don't give a rat's ass what the Pope will think

  • His Oral Arguments in Central Park show will draw a crowd of thousands, and will be rebroadcast during public television pledge drives no less than three times weekly for the next twenty years

  • Already familiar with the Court due to his passionate, post-graduation affair with middle-aged temptress Ruth Bader Ginsburg, although she is said to harbor some ill will for his subsequent disruption of her daughter's wedding

  • His substantial Jew-fro doubles as a handy dust-mop

  • Not an evil bastard, as far as we know