Wrapped Up Like A Douche

Holy Mary, Mother of Invention
I'm a big fan of these contests, largely because they allow you, the WULAD faithful, to get a piece of the creative action, and carry the tremendous weight of our obligation to entertain for a short period, while I lie on sunny sands being fanned by banana-leaf-wielding native girls in coconut bikinis.

But Holy Shiite Insurgent Factions, you suckers turned it on for this one. What is it about Our Lady of Ancient Goddess Cults Cloaked in Catholic Dogma that brings out such feats of Ofilian irreverence? There's a doctoral thesis in there somewhere.

Anyway, I offer each of you who participated a Host Wafer of Appreciation dipped in the Wine of Congratulation, which you are required to let dissolve gently on your palate, taking special caution to draw no sensual pleasure from the experience, which is a strictly sacred act between you and Dave Eggers.

That said, some of your entries were awesome, while others were merely not-sucky. On to the honor roll.

Honorable Mentions: The Sacred
For those fans of the book-learnin', Eponymagain throws down the gaunt(Ham)let with his signature aplomb: "What have you, my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune, that she sends you to 10371 Jackson Road in eastern Sacramento County?", while AmMast gets in touch with his inner dead gay Irish poet: "And with tears of blood he cleansed the hand,/The hand that held the steel:/For only blood can wipe out blood,/And only tears can heal." Touching, in a sort of lecherous-Uncle kind of way.

I also liked Chris Con's contribution, at least the delightfully non-proofread part which read, "this is the price of being eternally pure...having to menstruate period thru my fucking EYE!" Everyone knows that having to menstruate period is bad enough thru the usual location.

T. S. Farmhand provides the first of two T-Shirt-ready slogans in the contest with "My son went to His Father's house and all I got was this lousy cult devoted to my weeping image." Bravo, T. S., and good luck getting your kids into Notre Dame.

Honorable Mentions: The Profane
Sac comes out of webtirement with this offering: "I swear, Joseph, I'm not lying. I'm a virgin, I don't know how I got knocked up. Please don't hit me again." The domestic violence angle is good--maybe that's why Jesus spent so much time at the temple, avoiding his miserable home life.

From Rob: "Ow! What the... ? Something just hit me in the fucking eye!"--and then he runs with this bit for a while, before ending with, "You mind driving me to the hospital? I'll suck your dick on the way back..." That last part really makes it. Because, you know, there's really no reason for Mary to be offering BJs for a ride to the hospital, unless she's just a ho. Did I mention that Rob is Jewish? See, Rob, when Christians make fun of the Virgin Mary it's because we love her. When you do it, it's because you killed Christ.

Honorable Mentions: The Increasingly Random
Jeff's "Soylent Green is PEOPLE!"; Beck'’s GOATSEism; Rev. Joseph and his 27 entries; and Spoonbender's "'Threshold' is cancelled." Now, I had to look up that last reference, but according to my sources, Threshold is a TV show concerning "a female government contingency analyst who leads a team of scientists and military personnel who get in contact with a mysterious alien lifeform." I thought they already cancelled that show, only I remember it being called Alf.

Now, the moment those of you who are still reading have been waiting for...

The Medal Round
Snagging the Bronze, along with the WULAD Home Game, it's the Incredible Edible C Monks:

Coming in with the Silver, along with a copy of Art Garfunkel's new CD Bridge Over Troubled HipHop, Y'All and the WULAD Home Game, it's the Intrepid Tepid Hank:

And--with the second T-shirt-ready slogan of the day--winning the coveted Gold Medal in the Our Lady of the Blessed Blasphemy Caption Contest, along with a pair of Paris Hilton's gym socks and the WULAD Home Game, is... the Indomitable Abdominal Gene:

Thanks for playing, and may Our Merciful Heavenly Eye-Bleeder watch over you as you go about your wicked ways. Until next time--