Friday, April 14, 2006

T.G.I.G.F. (Thank God it's Good Friday)

OK, kids, here's the deal: I'm going on vacation for several weeks starting mas pronto, as they say in Iraq or wherever. In the interim, I've decided to go against my better judgment and hand the keys of the asylum over to the inmates, albeit in a supervised way.

So in honor of the 1900-somethingeth anniversary of Jesus and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, I will be soliciting contributions for my soon-to-be-whupping-Harry-Potter's-adolescent-ass bestseller, The Bible II: The Curse of Christ's Ghost. (Or maybe "Heretic Boogaloo." The subtitle is still being workshopped.)

Before you say anything—I have a pretty good hunch that a million people have already exploited the whole Bible sequel idea, so much so that I'm not even going to Google it, for fear that it would deter me from what I now see as my Holy Task. The point is not that WULAD's B2 will be the first; it's that it will be by far the best, and will most likely be so popular as to render the original Bible moot and provide a new spiritual template for the next 5000 years of humanity. Also there will be nudity.

So, here's how it's going to work: I will assign topics to several readers who have already expressed interest, even if they were joking; in addition, if you believe you might have what it takes to turn the Judeo-Christian world on its unsuspecting head, send me an email choosing one of the topics below, or, if you're feeling divinely inspired, one of your own.

Once the submissions have been fleshed out by the Word 'a Gawd, and if the WULAD Biblical Boyz editorial team judges them to be up to snuff, they will be published serially on this very website, and perhaps someday people will be slaughtering each other over differing interpretations of your words. Wouldn't that be exciting?

So here's a list of potential scenes to be fleshed out (some of which have already been assigned):

  • God creates Earth, bendy straws, silly string, rutabagas, gym shorts, Arturo Toscannini, serial rapists, Slim Jims, and the 1972 Datsun 240z
  • Adam and Steve have a garish parade and settle down to a long, happy marriage, while avoiding humorous attempts at seduction by Eve, their sassy ethnic maid
  • Cain and Abel solve a mystery together and share some laughs
  • Pharoah finally lets Moses and his people go, and later can't figure out why he can't seem to get a job in Hollywood
  • Samson and Delilah set up a 401k, but tragedy strikes when they change jobs and fail to roll the 20% withheld into a new retirement account within 60 days and are subject to the 10% tax (Eponymagain)
  • Joshua fit the Battle of Jericho but fails to adequately plan for the subsequent costly occupation and insurgency
  • Jesus is born to the Virgin Hillary Duff
  • Jesus blows up the Death Star (Dale)
  • Jesus hot dog eating contest/all-lesbian field hockey team (Rev. Joshua)
  • Jesus stands on top of a pile of rubble and shouts through a bullhorn (TJ)
  • Jesus betrayed by his spoiled rich-kid disciple Tyler, who sleeps with Jesus's girlfriend, stepmother, and Algebra teacher before ratting Him out to the Huntington Beach P.D.
  • Jesus's dramatic escape from the Cross and race to beat Professor Zbignew to the Lost Porno Stash of Machu Picchu Junior High
  • Lesson of good sportsmanship learned by St. Paul and his sidekick Minneapolis
  • The Revelation of St. JonBenet
See, they practically write themselves. So drop me an email (wulad AT with your proposed topic, and let's get this spiritual revolution started! In the words of Jesus, "it's gonna be awwwwwwesome!"