I'm Not Dead!

That's the good news. The bad news is that I am dead. Ha! Got you! I'm not really dead. Yet.

In lieu of the promised Bible sequel, which is still in the works (hint, hint, submitters), I'd like to offer a few succinct thoughts on events in the news, which although lame and unfunny are nevertheless all you're going to get for the time being. Here we go!

• The Immigration Debate: What we're witnessing now is really only the latest incarnation of a long-standing trend. I lay the blame for this crisis on the criminals who started this whole immigration business--I'm referring, of course, to the so-called "Native" Americans, who were really Asians who decided to sneak over some land bridge 10,000 to 30,000 years ago (when the INS was woefully underfunded) in an attempt to steal jobs from decent, hardworking saber-toothed cats, wooly mammoths, and various other All-American megafauna. So when your children are forced to sing the Star-Spangled Banner in Esperanto, you can all thank Chief Paleolithic-Land-Bridge-Walker-Over. Speaking of ancient mammals...
  
  
• Bloggers Who Quit and Move to Peru: All I have to say about this development is that you should never start a blog unless you're willing to continue posting three or four times a day for the rest of your natural life. Quitters never win, and winners never quit and move to South America. It's that simple. In any case, say hi to Hitler and Tupac for me, you comment-disabling sumbitch. Speaking of sumbitches...
  
  
• The Colbert Controversy: In case you haven't heard, some jerk wasted an opportunity to address some of our nation's most powerful movers and shakers, instead choosing to take cheap potshots at a beleagured figurehead who wants nothing more than to do God's work and be left alone with his ranch and nuclear bombs. My feeling is that the Spoonbender should never have badmouthed Patton Oswalt like that. Speaking of nuclear bombs...
  
  
• The Ahmadinejad Communiqué: Was going to be the name of my spy thriller. You bastards. Speaking of thrillers...
  
  
• The Mets Are in First Place: And my jock strap shall be neither washed nor removed as long as they maintain this position in the standings. Finally, speaking of unwashed jockstraps...
  
  
• Thanks for reading!