Please read the following article from The New York Times, then answer the questions that follow.
It was Fourth of July weekend in Montauk, N.Y., and Ben Watts, a D.J. and photographer, was serving as host of his annual beach blowout at Ditch Plains, a popular surfing area. Although there were plenty of people in hoodies huddled around a fire, this was no humble gathering. Mr. Watts was spinning 80's rock and hip-hop for a crowd that included Russell Simmons; Sean MacPherson, an owner of the Maritime Hotel and the Park restaurant in Manhattan; the Hollywood stylist Philip Bloch; and the actress Naomi Watts, Mr. Watts's sister.1. In the article, who makes the statement, "I used to hate rosé"?
At least a dozen revelers were chugging light pink wine from a bottle. It was Domaines Ott, a French rosé that retails for about $30. Thanks to Mr. MacPherson, who always packs several cases for the weekend, it has become the unofficial drink of the Ditch Plains scene, so common that attendees were referring to it as "D.O." and "the Ott." ...
Rosé wines ... have improved in quality in recent years and been embraced by food and wine connoisseurs. But a new collection of fans have emerged: club-hopping hipsters and tastemakers, who lay in a stash of rosé for parties and ask for it when out on the town. ... "I used to hate rosé," said Alex Kapranos, the lead singer of the rock band Franz Ferdinand and a food columnist for The Guardian in London. "It was a Blue Nun-style secretary's-night-out drink, and that put me off it. But a couple years ago I had a cold bottle on a hot night, and it was marvelous."
... [N]ow, among a certain group of global style setters ordering rosé is a sign of being in the know. Dropping the name of a Provençal rosé like Domaine Tempier can be code for having recently frolicked in St.-Tropez or Cap d'Antibes, where rosé accompanies leisurely seaside lunches.... "The South of France holds a place in people's hearts and psyche as this cool jet-set place," said Jennifer Rubell, the author of "Real Life Entertaining." "Ordering a bottle of rosé back in the U.S. is a subtle sign of belonging to that world."
A. The lead singer of the rock band Franz Ferdinand
B. Someone who considers himself unbearably smart
C. A pitiable jerkoff who will be sodomized with rosé bottles in Hell for all eternity
D. Art Garfunkel
2. According to the article, Ditch Plains is
A. a popular surfing area.
B. where the U.S. Army plans to bury stockpiles of chemical weapons and remaindered copies of Franz Ferdinand's next album.
C. a good place for a N. Y. Times style writer to meet smelly boys who will put out in exchange for a mention in the paper.
D. Naomi Watts's pet name for her vagina.
3. The article refers to which wine brand as the "unofficial drink of the Ditch Plains scene"?
A. Domaines Ott
B. Night Train
C. Heroin Enema
D. Whichever brand can have two cases and a shemale hooker on my desk by 7
4. When author Jennifer Rubell says, "Ordering a bottle of rosé back in the U.S. is a subtle sign of belonging to that world," which world is she referring to?
A. The world of St.-Tropez or Cap d'Antibes, where rosé accompanies leisurely seaside lunches
B. The world of the Fashion Section of the Times, where meaningless tripe accompanies leisurely self-congratulation
C. The world of Iraq, where roadside bombs accompany leisurely civil war and ethnic cleansing
D. The world up Rubell's butt, where leisurely smugness accompanies her own head
5. The format of this article could be best described as
6. When Alex Kapranos refers to rosé as "a Blue Nun-style secretary's-night-out drink," he means that
A. secretaries are unbelievably uncool, especially if they're also blue, and nuns.
B. he masturbates to images of Blue Nuns every night.
C. he likes to dress up as a Blue Nun and masturbate to the movie Secretary.
D. you will only ever be a complete failure in life unless you become a club-hopping hipster, get your ass to St.-Tropez, pop open a bottle of rosé, and give a Blue Nun a heroin enema while snorting a pound of coke off Naomi Watts's "Ditch Plains."
ANSWERS: 1) C, 2) D, 3) D, 4) D, 5) D, and 6) D. Give yourself one point for each correct answer; if you scored less than six, you are not invited to Art Garfunkel's party at Ditch Plains next weekend.