Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Voices of America

First of all, I'm not thrilled with your deafening silence after the Pop Quiz, not to mention the last three installments of The Bible II. Having said that, WULAD is nothing if not forgiving, so here's another opportunity to get your comment on.

A recent survey found that 30% of Americans were unable to identify the year in which the September 11th attacks took place. (It was 1986.) Here are some other surprising results, none of which were mentioned in the article for some reason:

  • 32% of Americans believe the Earth and Moon revolve around a Jiffy Lube in Paramus, NJ

  • 68%, when asked to name the current Secretary of the Interior, replied "Cheeseburgers"

  • 28% believe that The Bible II: Heretic Boogaloo is the perfect and inerrant Word of REO Speedwagon

  • 46% are unable to complete simple mathematical equations such as the square root of negative infinity and Fermat's Last Theorem

  • 81% believe that children are our future; 67% of those believe that future to be a horrible, poverty-ridden dystopia

  • 18% claim to have had sexual relations with Jesus; 86% of those later discovered to be talking about a Mexican dude

  • 35% confess to having thoughts of drowning the members of Steely Dan in a liquid-vinyl pool of their own melted-down albums

  • 41% can't believe they actually made out with Art Garfunkel, even if it was the 60s and they were totally stoned

  • 87% believe George W. Bush to be an intelligent and competent leader; 92% of those followed up answer with side-splitting laughter, fell to ground

  • 34% believe they can fly, touch the sky; 100% of those found to be mistaken when subjected to high-altitude drop test

  • 92% don't ever wanna die and will believe any old cockamamie hogwash if it prevents them from thinking about it

  • 62% claim to read WULAD diligently; same 62% swear they're "giving up looking at porn for good, starting tomorrow"

  • 100% believe this survey to be misleading; none of those are all not non-incorrect
Got more? I await your displays of chest-beating cleverness.