Tuesday, October 03, 2006

WULAD's Konsumer Korner

After a decade or so spent living in noisy metropolitan areas, often surrounded by discourteous neighbors, roommates, prostitutes, and roommates who are also prostitutes, I have become a connoisseur of ear plug technology. So I greet every new addition to the field with interest, and look forward to the happy moment when I can wedge their spongy goodness into my hungry ear canals.

However, last weekend I came across a perplexing new product from the already-well-respected-by-me Hearos® brand, which I just had to share with you:

My friends, I'm talking about ear plugs... for women.

Why, you might ask, do women need their own brand of ear plugs? I asked myself the same question, but luckily, the fine folks at Hearos® have addressed this query in the FAQ section of their exquisitely feminine website:

Why should I consider the Sleep Pretty in Pink products?

The Sleep Pretty in Pink products were introduced because there was a void in the marketplace for a high quality, branded line of ear products... for women. Whether you have a need for noise reduction (sleeping, snoring solution, traveling), hearing protection (concerts), or blocking light (sleeping) the Sleep Pretty in Pink line has a high quality product that can work for women AND children.
Psst... Hearos: they work for men, too, bitches!

That's right——the author of your very own WULAD is secure enough in his masculinity to test ear plugs which purport to be strong enough for a man, but... anyway, I've prepared my own take on the Frequently Asked Questions, which will give you the information you've been dying for ever since you read about this fifteen seconds ago. Let's begin!

How do Sleep Pretty in Pink brand women's ear filters differ from ear plugs for manly men?

They're pink.

That's it? Really?

Really. No little flowers or inspirational sayings or suggestions for spicing up your marital bed whatsoever.

Did Sleep Pretty in Pink brand women's ear filters block sound as effectively as those made for manly men?

Yes. Once I put those beautiful pink babies in, I could barely make out the screams coming from my basement.

Did this experience provide you with witty ideas for further women-only personal care products?

I'm already looking into patenting women's dental floss (it'll be pink), women's Drano (pink and lavender-scented), a woman's calculator (pink, and all operations result in "Don't worry your pretty little head about it"), and a women's dictionary (pink, and doesn't include the words "science" or "promotion"). Also tampons for men.

Are you serious with that chauvinist crap? I thought you were a bleeding-heart liberal and all that.

That was mock-chauvinism. Lighten up, and try some Sleep Pretty in Pink brand women's ear filters so you can get your beauty rest, Sugartits.

Did you really buy these because you were curious about how well they worked, or is this a prelude to "testing" women's shoes, support hose, underwear, and/or feminine hygiene products?

I'm busy. Go away.