Monday, October 22, 2007

Workin' for the Man Every Night and Day

In another "Holy Crap, They Pay People to Do This?" development, I'm happy to announce that as of this week I'm going to be contributing semi-regularly to Comedy Central's Indecision '08 blog. My first appearance is a group effort, painstakingly compiled with fellow Junkiness alumni Messrs. Tobey, Gladstone, and DiClaudio:

You may be wondering why Chuck Norris has decided to throw his massive support behind Mike Huckabee for president. Turns out there's a bunch of reasons...
  • When Mike Huckabee participated in the Iowa Straw Poll, they had to re-name it the Iowa Iron Pole.
  • Mike Huckabee can cut taxes... with his penis.
  • Stephen Hawking told Mike Huckabee the universe was 12 billion years old once. Once.
  • Mike Huckabee lost 100 pounds of body fat by eating it.
  • Jesus asked Mike Huckabee for career advice, but Huckabee was too busy body-slamming Satan.
  • Mike Huckabee flosses his teeth with the bones of abortion doctors at least twice a day.
  • Mike Huckabee is forbidden to interfere with human history.
  • Top scientists believe global warming is a direct consequence of Mike Huckabee getting angry.
  • Mike Huckabee opposes gay marriage because every man on earth wants to marry him.
  • Mike Huckabee won't repeal the Estate Tax out of sympathy for the families of his victims.
  • Mike Huckabee has completed six marathons, two of which aren't until next year.
  • Fred Thomspon, John McCain and Rudy Giuliani all got cancer because Mike Huckabee looked at them too hard.
  • If Mike Huckabee is elected, he'll bring all the troops home--he can handle this himself.
  • If Mike Huckabee had been around in Biblical times, the symbol of Christianity would be Pontius Pilate with a cross up his ass.
But wait--there's more!