Friday, July 19, 2013

The Giant Cheese Wax Ball Knows All, 7/19/13

It's been an emotional week, but like your rock in the storm (or something) the Giant Cheese Wax Ball is here to take your questions. Fire away!

Hi, Giant Cheese Wax Ball. Big fan. Is a 40/40/20 split of domestic index funds, bonds and international index funds, respectively, a sound long-term investing plan?
-Matt T.

GCWB: Matt--as my sometime lover/rival/nemesis Suzi Orman used to say, "you don't put your best horse in the garbage disposal." Now, what exactly she meant by that is open to interpretation--it's possible it was a critique of my lovemaking skills--but what's clear is that you're not going to get the brass ring if you don't drink from the silver cup. So I would put it all on municipal bonds--I hear good things about a certain undervalued midwestern automotive industrial hub (but you didn't hear it from me).

Dear WB(GC), somebody told me you can give children's Benadryl to your cat and it'll pass out for a long period of time, say a 10-hour road trip. Do you have any personal experiences you could share? Also, that 1959 Dizzy album Have Trumpet, Will Excite! is cool.
-Nick S.

GCWB: Nick--you can be a wuss with your puss and try Children's Benadryl, or you can let your cat relax in comfort and style with new Children's Oxycontin® (patents pending). (Warning: Children's Oxycontin may be mildly habit forming. Contact a veterinarian immediately if your cat develops fever, nosebleeds, hair loss, erections lasting more than four hours, the power of speech or teleknesis, or grows additional tails). P.S. Dizzy for president!

This will all be sorted out once Martha, I mean some anonymous cat, can explain in English why her bald, bleeding, feverish erection won't go away. I'm on the phone with the, er, um, children's pharmacy right now.
-Nick S.

Dear GCWB: As a pop culture nut, I'm dying to know some of your entertainment faves. Movie? TV show? Actor and/or actress? Do tell.
-Katherine C.

GCWB: Katherine--Movies, TV shows, actors, and actresses are all products of the depraved society we live in and you shouldn't waste your time on any of them. (I suggest you curl up with a good cave painting instead.) That said, if you absolutely HAD to consume some contemporary media, I would suggest the following--TV shows: "Clarissa Explains it All," "Sabrina the Teenage Witch," or "Melissa and Joey"; Movies: "Hart of Gold: the Melissa Joan Hart Story," "Hart to Heart: The Melissa Joan Hart Story 2," or "The Melissa Joan Hart Story 3: HartNado"; and if I had to pick an actress and actor I'd probably go with Melissa Joan Hart and Melissa Joan Hart dressed up as a dude.

Dear all-seeing GCWB, Will my grand children live to see the Mets win another World Series?
-Keith S.

GCWB: Keith--I find your lack of faith disturbing. The Mets will defeat the Moonbase Yankees in π games in the 2036 series behind the powerful bats of Keith Hernandez Jr., Ken Griffey IV, and Mike Piazza's reanimated moustache, and the arms of Cloned Tom Seaver (they cloned his left arm onto BOTH ARMS!) and GoodenBot3000. You can put it in the book.

Dear GCWB: I have a friend who tells me the entire world is run by a mysterious and secret organization called "the Illuminati." Supposedly they're responsible for the Hindenburg Disaster, the JFK assassination and most of the Pauly Shore movies. Is this true? Should we live in fear of them?
-Roger H.

GCWB: Roger--It's true that the Illuminati WAS running the show, but they did such a crappy job of it that this year the board voted them out, so starting in Fiscal 2014 the world will be controlled by a rotating team of Aramark, JJ Abrams, and the guy who got Honey Boo Boo her own show. If they can't turn things around by 2018 an emergency clause kicks in and we default back to feudalism--you'd be a subject of the Mid-Pacific Coastal Fief under the 22nd Viscount of San Joaquin (currently Paris Hilton). P.S. That part about the Pauly Shore movies is a lie. Like a modern Orson Welles, Shore is the sole genius behind each of his works of art.

How many Babybel cheeses did Ian eat to make you?
-Meghan B.

GCWB: Meghan--I've heard people talk about this "Ian," and I have to say I don't buy it at all. This is the 21st century, man. We're never going to get anywhere as a society if we cling to superstitious beliefs about mythical father figures who eat magical cheese and bring us into being. That is some Stone Age-grade nonsense. So let's set the religious b.s. aside and talk about real issues.

Questions for the GCWB? Email us at wuladian (you know what symbol) gmail.com.