Friday, August 09, 2013

The Giant Cheese Wax Ball Knows All, 8/9/13

It's FRIDAY, which can mean only one thing: it's time once again to submit your questions, because the all-knowing, ever-growing GIANT CHEESE WAX BALL knows all! Let's begin...

Can you really imagine a sound in stereo? Or are you playing a sound in your mind in mono, but you're applying a physically directional memory of which ear would hear it? (The way the rods in your eye periphery only receive motion and black and white, but your brain applies color information to it.)
-H.P. M.

GCWB: Actually, H.P., the signals from your red, blue, and green-specific rods begin to create trichromacy as soon as they hit the retinal ganglion cells, still well within the eye--you humans and your crazy RGB vision! No wonder you're such big fans of TV, which is well-known by the other intelligent terrestrial species--whales, dolphins, squid, cheese wax balls, and certain varieties of shower mildew--to be a culture-rotting, eye-cancer-causing menace. (Except for Mary Tyler Moore and Rhoda. We enjoy those.) I, on the other hand, process color through my hyperdeveloped sense of smell, which is of course more efficient and allows me to appreciate delicate shades like aquamaroon and midnight yellow (on the downside, ochre smells like feet). But to get back to your original question, not only is "stereo" an auditory hallucination, so is every sonic perception since September 20, 2005, when the release of the Black Eyed Peas' single "My Humps" actually destroyed all sound, forever. Everything you believe you've been hearing since that fateful day only exists between your now-useless ears. But thanks for asking!

What is jazz?
-Loren S.

GCWB: Louis Armstrong famously said, "If you gotta ask, you'll never know." Well, that may be good enough for a slacker like him, but I'm here to give you the real answer. Jazz is a form of music originally developed by an obscure group of African-American Mormon pioneers on the Utah frontier to frighten away Ute raiding parties through the use of harsh and cacophonous sounds (often created with a saxophone, originally a modified farm implement and ad-hoc weapon). Practitioners developed their own in-group jargon--for example, musicians called each other "cats," since the music was originally created by murdering actual cats, and "trading fours" involved trading four of one's wives with those of another "cat." In the 1890s, Zachariah Bolden, a young cat with only 25 children to his name, was expelled from the community for excessively quoting the Woody Woodpecker theme during his solos. His exile later led him to New Orleans, where he adopted the nickname "Buddy" and modified the music to serve as a soundtrack for dancing, adultery, and knife fights. To this day, Utah's NBA franchise carries the name of its most famous musical creation.

What is cheezz?
-Ralph C.

GCWB: Ralph my boy, "Cheezz" is the native term for an adorable and harmless creature found in a remote Amazon basin, which has unfortunately become critically endangered due to demand for its flesh, which is used in the production of the delicacy known domestically as "Cheez Whiz." I urge people of conscience to boycott this ethically and environmentally compromised product. (Ritz, you have blood on your hands!)

How much do you need to make an "Insignificant Number" of something?
-Emily K.

GCWB: Oddly enough, Emily, the only insignificant number is 2,456,769.

If a train leaves Philadelphia traveling at fifty miles an hour, and a bus leaves Toronto and only travels fifty miles per day, why isn't Scott Bakula in more TV shows?
-Simon S.

GCWB: Listen, "Simon," we both know why you can't get a TV gig to save your Bakula, and it has nothing to do with trains and buses and everything to do with the drunken speech you gave at the Paramount Christmas party in 2003 and your decision to use that forum to share your interesting theories about the holocaust and the sexual history of Jeff Katzenberg's wife. If I were you, I'd spend less time crafting elaborate word problems and more rebuilding bridges, or you'll be lucky to get a cameo as a hot dog vendor in Wes Anderson's Quantum Leap reboot movie (and give Dean Stockwell a call once in a while, for Christ's sake, the guy kept you alive for the 14 minutes it took for the Guatemalan paramedics pump that gallon of ayahuasca out of your stomach).

Got a question for The Giant Cheese Wax Ball? Email to wuladian [the symbol meaning "at"] gmail.com.