Saturday, August 17, 2013

The Giant Cheese Wax Ball Knows All, 8/23/13

It's Friday, which means the omniscient, omnipotent, omnivorous Giant Cheese Wax Ball has returned to our dimension to take your questions. Commence!

What is GCWB's favorite food and music?
-James K.

GCWB: James--Although I am as much a connoisseur of the culinary pleasures as the next ball, lately it all seems to go straight to my radius, so my nutritional yogi has me on a strict diet of artichoke juice, powdered steak, yeastburgers, and the occasional Plutonium-238 chaser. Musically speaking my tastes are more pedestrian--Krzysztof Penderecki, One Direction, Gy├Ârgy Ligeti, 'N Sync, Pauline Oliveros, The Backstreet Boys, Anthony Braxton, Kool & The Gang--you know, the usual boring stuff.

Oh, Mighty GCWB, what is this thing we call life? And why can't I get a plumber to call me back?
-Karen P.

GCWB: Karen--All life is an illusion. Plumbers even more so.

Why does Kaiser sometimes suck?
-Meghan B.

GCWB: Meghan--Assuming you're asking about the managed healthcare conglomerate (rather than the former German head of state or the delicious deli roll inspired by same), Kaiser is probably doing the best it can with the unpredictable, redundantly designed, and frankly disgusting specimen that is the human body. The notion that anyone who grew up in one of those things would think, "I'd like to make my living sticking my hands inside this ridiculous and unsanitary object!" is frankly incomprehensible to me. (I use "incomprehensible" figuratively, since what with the omniscience and whatnot, obviously nothing is actually incomprehensible to me.) So yes, they may as you say "suck" sometimes, but have some compassion for their horrible task, for which they are only compensated with large sums of money. (Fun fact: Kaiser's employee health plan is Blue Cross.)

In the words of The Terminator, "I shall return!"... for another edition of The G.C.W.B.K.A.!