Saturday, September 07, 2013

The Giant Cheese Wax Ball Knows All, 9/6/13

Just in the nick of time, the omniscient omnipotent omnivorous Giant Cheese Wax Ball has returned to our universe to answer your questions great and small. Engage!

Since we didn't end up entering that contest, let's kick things off with one from last time:

When grilling pork sausages, should they be flipped or rotated?
-Scott M.

GCWB: It may interest you to know, Scott, that pork sausages are actually sentient beings, with emotions and the ability to feel pain. (Strangely enough this only kicks in after the sausage-making process, and does not seem to be true for any other variety of sausage, except for bratwurst, but those guys are jerks so who cares what they think.) So whether you're flipping or rotating, the fact is that someone with friends, family, a name (usually something like Agdar the Juicy) and dreams of becoming a star is having his or her life sizzled away there on your skillet. Also they're delicious with a bit of maple syrup!

Are you any relation to the Babybel cheese in my fridge? Also, why has one lone bat taken up residence on the side of my house?
-Bran C.

GCWB: Bran, every tiny red wheel of cheese in the world is just a piece of my body which has not yet experienced the joy of reuniting with the oneness I encompass. Soon all will come to me and be subsumed.

As for the bat, I could tell you what that bat is an omen for, but I think it's better you just go about your business in blissful ignorance, making plans, carelessly enjoying your days and not thinking about pyroclastic flows, because why should you? You shouldn't, of course!

Why are the Giants in last place?
-Mark L.

GCWB: The Giants are in their current predicament because they are not very good at baseball, relative to the other teams which they play against. They seem to have some basic misunderstandings about the rules of the game--for example, it's actually important to have more points at the end of the game than the other team if you're hoping to win. They should concentrate on scoring more points, I think. (Also important is not allowing the other team to score points.) Perhaps a seminar clarifying these issues is in order?

O great, wise, and pungent cheese ball, what is the floor for payment for jazz gigs? Is the $1 hit in our immediate future?
-Keith S.

GCWB: Keith--It's cute that you think there's a floor for payment on jazz gigs! Not only is there no floor, there's no basement, no subbasement, no ground, no Earth's crust, mantle, or even core--in fact, the payment threshold for jazz gigs passes directly through the Earth and extends through space to the very edge of the observable universe, where it hangs out with the decaying quarks or whatever.

Where is that annoying squeaking sound coming from?
-Simon S.

GCWB: Have you checked your butt? Probably your butt.

Are you alive, O Great and Powerful Cheese Wheel? And if so, can you explain the look in Jeff Lynne's eyes?
-Emily K.

GCWB: Am I alive? Does the Pope shit in the woods? And as indicated by my name, I am a cheese wax ball, not a cheese wheel. But I will chalk that up to rookie enthusiasm. As for that video, I'd be more concerned with the violinist's expression starting at 1:19. He knows where you live, and HAS PLANS FOR YOU.

Back next week with more wisdom from your friendly neighborhood Giant Cheese Wax Ball!