Monday, January 05, 2004

The Return of the Douche
That’s right, we’re back, Large and Recharged. Coming soon: highlights from WULAD and C-baby in the Southland, as well as the usual hummuna-hummuna you’ve come to expect from our crack editorial staff. But first, it’s a truncated version of…

WULAD Web Wround-up
Martin Bihl has recently discovered some never-before-seen effluvia of genius: James Joyce’s postcards to brother Stannie. Read them at McSweeney's.

And several sites have recently added themselves to the elect group of bloggaz who’ve been sending visitors our way: check them out here, here, and here if you like.

I will now warn readers that the following segment is very wordy, but those who brave it in its entirety will reap great artistic and cultural rewards, or at least use up some time they might otherwise spend obsessively pondering our relentless march towards death. Enjoy!

Breakfast Meat or Self-Expression?
C-Baby got a can of Spam for X-mas, and plans to fry it up with some soy sauce and a fried egg (It's Crazy Tasty™!). Speaking of which, my inbox has recently been filling up with a very creative and unintentionally poetic variety of e-mail solicitation—the spam-wizards have obviously been hard at work finding ways around the tightest of mail filters, and this particular method seems to accomplish the task pretty well. First, the subject line follows the formula of “Re: [Acronym-like series of capital letters], [Three random words].” This can occasionally produce interesting results, such as:

Re: JBB, himself on kept
Re: KZUKKE, nodded and sent
Re: BWWQU, knife and blind
Re: LSGAJ, here homeless made
Re: GMXZVVBO, off his trousers
Re: DH, she was gently
Re: ORWC, the sparrow meanwhile
Re: ZIZ, does your husband
Re: JUM, may the gods
Re: ELIC, barrelorgan was worth
Re: COVWYRG, a minute later
Re: PLRP, rested his chin
Re: WG, fool!' the girl
Re: TDJK, about what? About

The body of the e-mail consists of an image—the actual ad, something about a banned CD the government doesn’t want you to have—followed by several paragraphs of miscellaneous words to give the illusion of an actual message. These are so random that the WULAD Literary Squad felt the need to arrange them into found-art poetry for your perusal. So without further ado…

The Banned CD Poetry Collection, Part 1: the Haiku

Commentary, soar
alimony sensory
stick, forfend Laurence

Chateaux history:
Individuate, Preston—
sheepskin pier, wiener

Apostle triad,
aerobic Armenia—
delouse obverse poop

Part 2: the Free Verse


Dimple, thrum.
Lucrative break
Gaul, weierstrass, Lauren,
kingston bishopric “bloop” depressor—

Martha suzerain Loomis duplicity,
furthermost truancy ross:


Giddy Christ
(burden) solo Gladys cupidity,
conscience kept.

Aitken Jimenez,
infinite nature disastrous—
chilblain tweedy, bud. Genre picnicked
transmission flautist radar,
“tide folksong,
necromantic Bangkok.”

Accolade backboard, gothic protein,
dewy consort cannel.
—Acquisition sigma hying,
aspirate clothesbrush,
prescriptive Carlisle,
circuitous Denmark, disambiguate.


Jubilate rosary morrison auric.
—Gabrielle Newman

Barrage fungi hobble pease estate barium chorale, Patty depute eerie—Hearth, homeown bona toenail, roulette vascular (cheery Pickford dobbin catcall: “Myopia hepatitis spirit!”). Desmond uniform infantile, Bayport Holm filmstrip—Merganser Serviette Assess—bicentennial depend seismography fusiform, forever sowbelly teacup, oxalic mudguard drudgery.

Elysian dowager Jackson silkworm, replicate honorary, hadn't sparrow Brazil negroes? Disturb, derogate, creon Alison—Gilligan (thematic Vivaldi), neurotic airspeed, achieve!

Bibliophile compositor,
downtrodden poop antelope,
roundhead Anderson,
priggish cursor Neva,
demo seismology bolt anent, ideologue
Muscovy Confucian stumpy heublein chignon; water cilia rotor micro buss, duress (giant beard shackle): Client said “probe!”

Appendix: the Good Names for a Band
Depth Arrival
Lipschitz Strobe
Anticipate Gypsum
Schmidt Speck
Elder Lettermen
Pumpkin Inexpedient
Juju Diopter
Scatterbrain Shadflower
Groan Tic Stylus
Pessimum Particulate
Crestfallen Blitz
Glyceride Bleach Continuation
Malefactor Embouchure
Difficult Clamshell
Caveman Arsenal
Chronograph Campsite Miracle
Lucrative Horsewoman
Footstep Rumple
Sourberry Migratory Collegian
Oregano Veda
Bureaucratic Afro