Thursday, April 29, 2004

You Heard It Here First
In an unprecedented journalistic coup, the WULAD News Team has obtained a leaked copy of a transcript of the confidential meeting this morning between the "September 11th" Commission and the President and Vice-President in the Oval Office. While we cannot divulge our source, suffice it to say this document came to us from the highest levels. Rather than provide analysis, we feel it most appropriate to publish the unabridged transcript and allow readers to draw their own conclusions.

So without further ado, we present...

The National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States

Unofficial Transcript of Meeting between Committee and President George W. Bush, and Vice-President Richard Cheney, April 29, 2004.

BUSH: Mornin’. Howdy, fellas. Rangers are on a tear, eh? No, the baseball team, not the Army Rangers. Don’t go there. Heh. But gettin’ rid of A-Rod was a great move. And a’ course I woulda hired Showalter m’self if I had the chance. Anywho...

CHENEY: Uh. [Nods in direction of Committee.] What’s up, assholes? Big time. Heh.

Q: Yes, well, Mr. and Mrs. President, I mean, Mr. President and Mr. Vice-President, if we could get started, I know you’re on a tight schedule—

BUSH: [Chuckles.] Yeah, we’ll go with that. You know, I’m a world leader, things to do and whatnot.

CHENEY: Uhhh. Ng. Started.

Q: Now, Mr. President, do you humbly swear that the testi—

CHENEY: Nnnngh! Aaargh! [Jumps up from chair.]

BUSH: [Restrains Cheney.] Yeah, ix-nay on the under-oathing, if you don’t mind. Wouldn’t want to clutter up the proceedings with all that legalese. This is just a friendly chat, you know. I never asked my Granny to take an oath when she was teaching me right from wrong.

CHENEY: We could tell you the truth but then we’d have to kill you.

COMMITTEE: [Laughter.]

CHENEY: What’s funny?

Q: Now, Mr. President and Mr. Vice-President, if I might humbly ask you—in this most informal conversation we’re having, about the Presidential briefing of August 6, 2001 which discussed the possibility of hijackings in the near future. Did you consider taking immediate action to address these threats?

BUSH: Ell-way, the iefing-bray ou-yay are alking-tay about-yay, I on’t-day emember-ray it at-thay ell-way—

Q: Uh, Mr. President, what is it you’re saying?

CHENEY: Nobody said we couldn’t talk Pig Latin. Are you trying to make us uncomfortable? I thought this was informal. [Takes off shoes, unbuttons pants, puts feet on desk.]

BUSH: Yeah, nobody here wants to play "Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots", right? That was a hell of a game, though. [Gestures to aide] Would you pencil in some Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robot time after lunch? [To Committee] Now where was I...

Q: The briefing of August 6, 2001—

BUSH: Oh, right. As I was saying, la perantoj akceptas membrokotizojn por CIA, laĆ­lande fiksitajn en diversaj valutoj. Ili krome akceptas—

Q: Uh, sir, I’m sorry, what language is that you’re speaking?

CHENEY: Esperanto. Nnh. Global language. Wave of the future. Big time. Heh.

Q: Mr. President, if you would please answer in English...

BUSH: I’m not sure I like your tone, kid—sounded a little Roko Ili Strumpeto Ili Roboti, if you catch my signifo, kamarado.

Q: Mr. President, again, if you could...

CHENEY: [Looks at watch] Time to go, assholes. Wrap it up.

Q: Sirs, with all due respect—this is an issue of vital importance. We’re talking about the bloodiest day in the United States since the civil war, and the American people need to know that their government did and is doing all it can to prevent a tragedy of this magnitude.

BUSH: OK, I’ve tried to explain it to you people, but since I’m obviously not getting through to you, lemme put it plain and simple, like my Granny taught me—I had no, I repeat, no knowl— oh crap! Look over there! [Points out window.]

[The committee frantically turns around to look out the window.]

Q: Mr. President, I don’t see... Mr. President? Mr. Vice-President?

[BUSH and CHENEY are no longer in the room.]

Q: [Pauses.] All in favor of reconvening at the bar?


Q: Session adjourned.