Wednesday, July 14, 2004

We, the People—Some Restrictions Apply
The Senate was hard at work this week developing the first amendment to the U.S. Constitution that would, if adopted, have actually curtailed rights rather than expanded them. While we at WULAD cannot take a position on this particular effort due to our wide bipartisan appeal, we applaud the effort to finally tear into that excessively sacred cow of American law we call the Constitution.

To elaborate: according to something I read on the internet, we live in a constitutional democracy. Apparently, in this system of government, certain inalienable rights are afforded to every citizen, regardless of age, ethnic background, religion, intelligence, hat size, or drug of choice. While this arrangement has more or less functioned, with occasional clarifications or adjustments, for the past 200-odd years, it has become apparent that some major re-tweaking may be in order.

In order to form a more perfect union, WULAD’s Legal Laboratory has suggested that the U.S. Constitution be immediately amended in a secret, extra-governmental process to curtail, for certain individuals and groups, some civil liberties, including, but not limited to:

  • freedoms of expression, association, and movement;
  • the right to vote, to keep and bear arms, or to eat in public places; and
  • the pursuit of happiness.
This is believed by the W.L.L. to be necessary primarily because, in the case of the individuals and groups in question, these liberties have been shown to frequently be in conflict with the well-being of the nation as a whole.

Therefore, beginning August 1, the new “FreedomLite®” will be mandatory for the following individuals and groups, both for their own protection, and for the general good and the future of the Republic.

People Who Don’t Deserve the Same Basic Rights You and I Enjoy
  • BMW drivers who turn right into crosswalks at 40 mph while talking on their cellphones

  • Anyone whose religion is indicated anywhere on their car

  • The woman who said, last October, that she was going to vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger in the recall election because he was “pretty neat”

  • People who claim to be the #1 fan of American Idol’s Clay Aiken, when it is obvious that I alone am his #1 fan and all the rest of you should eat shit and die

  • Anyone who misuses the word “ironically,” or says “wait on line” instead of “wait in line,” or speaks Spanish

  • Owners of more than one SUV or book

  • Anyone refusing to concede that N’SYNC rulz and the Backstreet Boys suck donkey dick

  • Convicted felons or anyone who looks like one, because they’re probably guilty of something

  • Those who have participated in more than one reality show, unless they were physically violent towards another cast member, in which case they’re great

  • Jeanne Zelasko

  • “Bloggers” who use phrases like “blogosphere,” “blogtacular,” “blogalicious,” or “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this blog!”

  • My upstairs neighbor and his damn Johnny Cash greatest hits record

  • Anti-abortion activists who support the death penalty, and also the Amish. I mean, c’mon, we have Tivo now, get a goddamn TV, you losers

  • George W. Bush and any of the fruits of his loins, except his illegitimate son Vladimir Putin Jr.

  • Stupid, dirty girls

  • Anorexics with a net worth of over $5 million, unless they really do look fat, in which case they should put the fork down, for God’s sake, you’re a freaking cow

  • Anyone visiting Branson, Missouri who is not being paid to do so, except for George W. Bush’s illegitimate sons Yakov Smirnoff Jr. and George W. Osmond

  • You
(This post based on ideas developed during conversations with C-Baby and Clare-bear; however, the opinions expressed above are only those of WULAD’s proprietor and his lawyers.)