Monday, December 06, 2004

First off, I want to extend a special welcome to everyone who has arrived at this website while searching for “Kirstie Alley’s butt.” You know I don’t like to disappoint, so please direct your attention to the photograph to your right.

Secondly, I’d like to give a bicep-bulging Bronx cheer to all the sports writers who are currently, in the wake of recent steroid “revelations,” indicting every fan for the abuses of the players, owners, and staff:

“I hope that every other sportswriter—and sports fan—weighing in with false piety on Giambi and steroid use, will share in the responsibility. Who is to blame? All of us.”
Hey asshole—I am no more to blame for the steroid use of Barry Bonds or Jason Giambi or Mark McGwire or Marion Jones or Who-the-Funk-Evah than Cat Stevens is responsible for 9/11 or my dad is responsible for the Hindenberg.

Yes, the fans were excited about the results, but enjoying watching your team win is not the same as supporting any means, no matter how unethical or illegal, to reach that goal. And the last I checked, none of those cheating cheat-ass cheaters ever asked my permission to stick a needle in their butt. They weighed the risks and the rewards, considered the consequences, and shot up. So they can join Pete Rose and Joe Jackson on the bench of shame, and what exactly is the loss to the sport? Until the owners and the player's union are willing to enact some genuine legal and/or professional consequences, the court of public opinion will have to do. And stop blaming me, jerkoffs.

Finally, C-Baby and I watched The Librarian: Quest for the Spear last night, and it is my opinion that in addition to grossly misrepresenting the profession of which C-Baby is a member, it was the worst made-for-TNT-featuring-nearly-washed-up-TV-actors movie I've ever seen, beating Andersonville and the Patrick Stewart Christmas Carol by a nose. However, I managed to avoid the William H. Macy-as-a-retard one, so I would not consider this the definitive word on the subject. Nevertheless—

Me: Bob Newhart isn’t looking so good.
Her: But he’s looked like that for the past twenty years.

‘Nuff said.