Thursday, January 06, 2005

New Year's Resolutions 2005
(Interspersed with outstanding contributions of Contest Entrants)

  • Keep a chartreuse flag hanging out my backside, but only on the left side, yeah that's the Douche side

  • Keep C-Baby far away from the American left’s new Most Eligible Bachelor (Her preliminary take on the divorce: “At least he’s working for San Francisco... she’s just a whore.”)

  • Move to Vegas and become C-Baby’s houseboy if necessary to achieve above

  • Find a cure for cancer, preferably involving something simple like eating more marshmallows or saying the alphabet backwards

  • Not arrive at anyone's house drunk after 2am and New Year's Day before 6am does not count.

  • Be the first person to enter the … Contest, even though I probably won't win because everyone knows that the judges can't give the big scores to the first competitors, since they need to save room for better performances later in the evening—which is why I've gotten my diplomatic corps to broker a deal with the French judge, exchanging a high score for me for a high score for Surya Bonaly

  • Fire my diplomatic corps and start a new life in deep cover, hiding from henchmen of Surya Bonaly and Nicole Bobek ("Bobek!") and Michelle Kwan's stereotypical overbearing Asian dad

  • Grant NBG’s wish that at least one person look at her ass and say, "nice ass" by encouraging readers to flood the comments below with praise for said ass. I know you can’t see it, but you’ll just have to make a leap of faith for once in your lives, people.

  • Never vote again—it only leads to disappointment and jury duty

  • Produce and direct a big overblown homoerotic epic and then blame its failure on fundamentalist Christians, rather than the fact that it is a useless blivit of a film and the ad features a puffy-lipped starlet with what sounds like a fake Transylvanian accent delivering a line like, “there will never be a Genghis like you… Genghis the Khan!”

  • Spend every waking hour reading blogs and providing definitions from the Oxford English Dictionary to those in need. I shall begin now: bliv·it [blívvət] (plural bliv·its) n. 1. a collapsible rubberized bladder used to transport and store fuel and water in forward areas of a battlefield; 2. something useless, pointless, or annoying (slang)

  • Ix-nay on the usamis-tsay
Who won the contest, you’re wondering? Every one of the contributors, just for heeding my desperate cry for attention once again. Your amazing custom prizes are on the way. If I don’t have your email, send it to me or miss out.