Friday, January 21, 2005

The WULADdies, 2005
It’s Friday, that day of the week when the brain of the average nine-to-fiver has been reduced to the consistency of a soft, well-ripened cheese, and any old crap passes for entertainment. Since our rehash revue of the “Catch of the Day” has come to an end, it’s time for the next theme, which will guide my half-ass attempts at creativity for the next few weeks: so, LIVE, from 16 inches in front of you, it’s the 2005 Wrapped Up Like a Douche Super Kickass Bigger Than Jesus and Able to Privatize Social Security in a Single Bound But Not Quite as Sexy as Ralph Waldo Emerson Awards... the WULADdies! [Opening credits.]

Me: I’m your host, me. Presenting our first award, we have two stars you know and love: one is a sworn enemy of the United States and the leader of the Iraqi Resistance—and the other is the most annoying man on television! Please welcome Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and David Schwimmer! [Applause]

Schwimmer: You know, when they first told me I’d be presenting with you, I had my misgivings, but I must say we’ve become fast “Friends”!

Zarqawi: Yeah, well I learned all I need to know about “bombing” from your recent career! [Laughter]

Schwimmer: You got me there! Anyway, the winner for the category of Dumbest Sentence in an Article about Somebody WULAD Admires goes to... Corrie Pikul of, for this sentence in her article on “Tom the Dancing Bug” creator Ruben Bolling:

The comic strip is as free-ranging as a cow on a Neiman Ranch-covered moon—and about as absurd.
Me: Congratulations, Corrie! That sentence is as well-conceived as, um, a blue cheese-wrestling match in, uh, a home for retired gay rodeo clowns—and about as fresh-smelling.

Meanwhile, presenting our next award are two men who give new meaning to the phrase "Self-Help": one is a baby-faced youngster at the height of his form; another is an out-of-work has-been forced to scrounge for scraps under the table of his former fame. It’s the Art Garfunkel of 1968 and the Art Garfunkel of today! [Applause]

Art ‘05: Well, what are you looking so cocky about, kid?

Art ‘68: I’m just thinking about the great solo career I have ahead of me. Someday I’ll be so huge I can hire Paul Simon to wax my Ferrari!

Art ’05: [Rolling eyes] Yeah, good luck with that. Anyway, the award for Most Outrageously Dressed Satellite of a Major Planetary Body goes to... Titan, Moon of Jupiter, for its dark vein-like channels and dry lakebeds formed by liquid hydrocarbons and noxious smog-clouds of methane gas.

Art ’68: Sounds like you in the green room after you ate that bean dip! [Laughter]

Me: Always a laugh riot with you two! For our final award of the evening, we welcome two people who have shaped the way we view the world: he’s a Greek poet and playwright whose Oedipus the King and Antigone were the toast of Broadway in the 5th century B.C.; she’s been the toast of high society and porn since the 5th grade! Put your hands together for Sophocles and Paris Hilton! [Applause]

Hilton: Well, Sophocles, I must confess that I took one look at you and thought, the Sophmeister is hot for an old dead guy.

Sophocles: Well, Paris, it’s like I always say—From hence the lesson learn ye/To reckon no man happy till ye witness/The closing day; until he pass the border/Which severs life from death, unscathed by sorrow—but I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on! [Laughter]

Hilton: What-ever. The award for Easiest Way to Fill Out a Blog Post Without Really Doing Anything goes to... This list of Humorous Internet Searches Which Have Led People to WULAD:
  • In cuba what do the various colors of license plates mean
  • Ninety three million, how do you write it
  • mined yeti baseball
  • walk-in douche
  • Isabella and ass parade
  • "Coach Carter" homoerotic
  • Ted Williams cryogenically frozen head knocked off; and
  • BMW drivers assholes
Me: Man, they're right about those BMW drivers! Well, that’s all for this week. We ran a little long, so this may not be as useful as a quick half-ass diversion as I’d hoped. But until next time, ladies and gents, may your days be sunny and your nights be Wrapped Up... Like a Douche! [Cue music, Credits.]