Wrapped Up Like A Douche

Names in the News
...as Interviewed by 80s Pop Sensation Joe Doice

Welcome. Joining Joe today is Lt. Gen. James Mattis, of the U. S. Marines Corps. Gen. Mattis is a career infantry officer now in charge of developing ways to better train and equip Marines, and recently created a stir with remarks he made in a forum in San Diego.

Q: What’s-a matta you?
You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil.

Q: Got-a no respect?
You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway.

Q: What-a you think you doin’?
It's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them.

Q: Why you look-a so sad?
Actually, it's a lot of fun to fight.

Q: It’s-a not so bad.
It's fun to shoot some people.

Q: It’s-a nice-a place.
You know, it's a hell of a hoot.

Q: Ah, shaddup-a you face.

Our next guest is Condoleeza Rice, now completing in her first month as U. S. Secretary of State. Ms. Rice told reporters yesterday that the Bush administration was not actively preparing for war with Iran.

Q: What’s-a matta you?
It is the Iranians that are insolated on this issue - not the United States.

Q: Got-a no respect?
What we support is that the Iranian people should have a chance to determine their own future.

Q: What-a you think you doin’?
We believe particularly in regard to the nuclear issue that while no one ever asks the American president to take all his options, any of his options, off the table, that there are plenty of diplomatic means at our disposal to get the Iranians to finally live up to their international obligations.

Q: Why you look-a so sad?
I don't think anybody thinks that the unelected mullahs who run that regime are a good thing for the Iranian people or for the region.

Q: It’s-a not so bad.
It's not the absence of anybody's involvement that is keeping the Iranians from knowing what they need to do. They need to live up to their obligations.

Q: It’s-a nice-a place.
I think our European allies agree that the Iranian regime's human rights behavior and its behavior toward its own population is something to be loathed.

Q: Ah, shaddup-a you face.
Thank you.

That’s all the time we have for this edition of Names in the News; join us next week, when Joe will once again ask the tough questions. Until then... Shaddup-a You Face, America! Good night!