Thursday, May 26, 2005

Three Short Lists, to Counter the Argument That I Never Do Anything for You

Part 1: Surprising Facts About Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the So-On and So-Forth

  • Design of Yoda was actually inspired by object found in George Lucas’s left nostril
  • James Earl Jones has been in a coma for three years; lines for Sith had to be reconstructed from phone sex chats recorded in happier days
  • When Steve Spielberg cried at Lucas’s private Sith screening, he had actually just rubbed his eyes after slicing habañero chiles
  • Original, pre-Tom Stoppard screenplay featured epic final battle between Negroid Droids and JewBots
  • Jedis and Vulcans = same thing

Part 2: Rejected Names from the Recently Abandoned Sesame Street Smash Monster Truck Rally Concept
  • Big Bird Spirit of American Dominance
  • SuperGrover Rover
  • Maria & Luis’s ¡Máquina del Muerte!
  • Crush Me Beneath Your Mighty Wheels Elmo
  • Mr. Hooper’s Store... of Destruction
  • Kermit the Frog that Kills You
  • This Horrible Motorized Death Machine Brought to You by the Letters E and J, and the Number 5
  • Snuffleupakickyourass
  • Das Bert

Part 3: Things Not to Say in a Job Interview Under any Circumstances
  • "Inappropriate touching is a highly subjective term."
  • "During my reign of terror..."
  • "What’s important is that no one died. No one who didn’t have it coming to them, that is."
  • "I’ll answer when I feel like answering, Faggy McPantywaist."
  • "Abe Lincoln was a shitty president and a lousy human being."
  • "That’s what your Mom said when I was having sexual intercourse with her this morning!"
  • "I hope to God I get this job. And obviously I mean that as a figure of speech, since God is dead."