Wednesday, February 15, 2006

New Year’s Resolutions, Lunar Year 4703

  • Work on self-improvement 24/7: that’s 24 minutes a day, 7 days a year

  • Inject self daily with a cocktail consisting of 50% partially hydrogenated soybean oil, 40% mercury-rich ocean fish puree, and 20% Teflon, as an ironic way of sticking it to the food police

  • Create hypothetical cocktails consisting of proportions totaling more than 100%, as an ironic way of sticking it to the math police

  • Check on the condition of Pedro Martinez’s toe no more than three times per hour

  • Set up an expensive system which will allow MP3 files to be directly downloaded from an iPod and recorded on high-quality hand-cranked Edison cylinders, which will be the media of choice after the Danish Cartoon Apocalypse

  • Solve the mystery of Fermat’s Last Mad Lib

  • Wiretap self as an ironic way of sticking it to the Feds; then ship self to Gitmo and submit to wacky hazing rituals such as pummeling own legs with baseball bat; then, after impressing locals with bat-handling skills, defect to Cuba in time to start at first base in World Baseball Classic, which will afford opportunity to defect to United States

  • Avoid run-on resolutions

  • No new wars until you finish the one you already started, unless you’re sure the new one is going to be really awesome and totally easy

  • Get in on that new craze where people write random numbers in boxes to look like they’re smart

  • Obligatory Year of the Dog-themed dog-eating joke, but tastefully done so as not to offend WULAD readers of Asian ancestry (Get it? “Tastefully done”? Woof, woof!)

  • Get that cold fusion machine in the garage running--and no reverse-polarity antimatter implosions this time

  • Take blogging even less seriously, if indeed it’s possible to take something less seriously than “not at all seriously”

  • More plagiarizing

... Last year's resolutions yonder.