New Year’s Resolutions, Lunar Year 4703

• Work on self-improvement 24/7: that’s 24 minutes a day, 7 days a year
  
  
• Inject self daily with a cocktail consisting of 50% partially hydrogenated soybean oil, 40% mercury-rich ocean fish puree, and 20% Teflon, as an ironic way of sticking it to the food police
  
  
• Create hypothetical cocktails consisting of proportions totaling more than 100%, as an ironic way of sticking it to the math police
  
  
• Check on the condition of Pedro Martinez’s toe no more than three times per hour
  
  
• Set up an expensive system which will allow MP3 files to be directly downloaded from an iPod and recorded on high-quality hand-cranked Edison cylinders, which will be the media of choice after the Danish Cartoon Apocalypse
  
  
• Solve the mystery of Fermat’s Last Mad Lib
  
  
• Wiretap self as an ironic way of sticking it to the Feds; then ship self to Gitmo and submit to wacky hazing rituals such as pummeling own legs with baseball bat; then, after impressing locals with bat-handling skills, defect to Cuba in time to start at first base in World Baseball Classic, which will afford opportunity to defect to United States
  
  
• Avoid run-on resolutions
  
  
• No new wars until you finish the one you already started, unless you’re sure the new one is going to be really awesome and totally easy
  
  
• Get in on that new craze where people write random numbers in boxes to look like they’re smart
  
  
• Obligatory Year of the Dog-themed dog-eating joke, but tastefully done so as not to offend WULAD readers of Asian ancestry (Get it? “Tastefully done”? Woof, woof!)
  
  
• Get that cold fusion machine in the garage running--and no reverse-polarity antimatter implosions this time
  
  
• Take blogging even less seriously, if indeed it’s possible to take something less seriously than “not at all seriously”
  
  
• More plagiarizing

... Last year's resolutions yonder.