Three Short Lists Which May or May Not Be Better Than Nothing
Reasons Art Garfunkel Should Have Been Selected as the New Leader of Al-Qaeda in Iraq
- Could’ve used expertise in breakdancing to add much-needed hip-hop appeal to cause
- He and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi went way back, although it’s true Art was a little miffed when Bin Laden got picked over him as best man at the wedding--I mean, it’s not like Art pulled Zarqawi’s lifeless body out of a frozen pond and carried him to safety when he was eight--oh yeah, come to think of it, he did, that ungrateful son of a bitch
- Implicated in schoolyard incident by co-conspirator Julio
- When Iran beat the U.S. in soccer, he celebrated by planting an improvised explosive device in Paul Simon’s guitar case
- Recently changed name to Artu al-Qarfunqel
- Advocated stoning of Mrs. Robinson for her whorish western dress
- Has successfully hidden from U.S. since 1970
- Like a bridge over troubled water, he will blow you up
Actual Reactions from Residents of Kansas City when Told I Live in Oakland, California
- “Oh, you’re from Oakland? We hate Oakland! The traffic was horrible, and once when I took my nephews to San Francisco we were in Chinatown, and we ended up in one of those alleys where white people aren’t supposed to go, you know what I mean? And the kids disappeared, and I finally found them in one of those porn stores!”
- “Oakland?! That hellhole!”
Best Phrase Randomly Noticed while Flipping Through The New Yorker
- "Gestapo Santa Claus"
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