Monday, June 12, 2006

Three Short Lists Which May or May Not Be Better Than Nothing

Reasons Art Garfunkel Should Have Been Selected as the New Leader of Al-Qaeda in Iraq

  • Could’ve used expertise in breakdancing to add much-needed hip-hop appeal to cause

  • He and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi went way back, although it’s true Art was a little miffed when Bin Laden got picked over him as best man at the wedding--I mean, it’s not like Art pulled Zarqawi’s lifeless body out of a frozen pond and carried him to safety when he was eight--oh yeah, come to think of it, he did, that ungrateful son of a bitch

  • Implicated in schoolyard incident by co-conspirator Julio

  • When Iran beat the U.S. in soccer, he celebrated by planting an improvised explosive device in Paul Simon’s guitar case

  • Recently changed name to Artu al-Qarfunqel

  • Advocated stoning of Mrs. Robinson for her whorish western dress

  • Has successfully hidden from U.S. since 1970

  • Like a bridge over troubled water, he will blow you up
(More career options for Mr. Garfunkel here.)

Actual Reactions from Residents of Kansas City when Told I Live in Oakland, California
  • “Oh, you’re from Oakland? We hate Oakland! The traffic was horrible, and once when I took my nephews to San Francisco we were in Chinatown, and we ended up in one of those alleys where white people aren’t supposed to go, you know what I mean? And the kids disappeared, and I finally found them in one of those porn stores!”

  • “Oakland?! That hellhole!”

Best Phrase Randomly Noticed while Flipping Through The New Yorker
  • "Gestapo Santa Claus"