Monday, July 19, 2004

Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog
... as reported in the Daily Gazette of the Potomac, July 19, 1864

  • Still depressed over bad sideburn-trim and that whole Antietam thing

  • Busy editing new "Lincolnisms" desktop calendar, berating President Lincoln’s excessive and awkward usage of future imperfect tense

  • Backup servers not as resistant to flaming arrows as you would think

  • Packing carpet-bag in anticipation of selfless humanitarian service in reconstructing the post-war South

  • Had to work a double-shift at Uncle Jebediah’s Lynch-Mob Lemon-Ade and Souvenir Stand

  • Word of advice, my brethren: Sherman’s “March to the Sea” is not a beach party

  • Network down after system infected with virus while transporting complimentary Army blankets to Indians

  • Wife came down with the vapors, or brain fever or whatever

  • This wood-burning PlayStation is for shit, but I can’t put the damn thing down

  • Some local ragamuffin kid stole off down river on a raft with one of my best slaves, and learned valuable lessons about humanity and brotherhood before we caught him and whipped his scrawny orphan ass

  • Distracted by 19th Century Fox News’s claim that the war was the Transcendentalists’ fault, what with their moral relativism and short skirts

  • Don't believe everything you read—Fredrick Douglass knows how to party.

  • Boss caught me looking at porn on my adding machine

  • Been in the outhouse “deleting Spam,” if you know what I mean

  • Another word of advice, my brethren: Dr. Kilmer’s Swamp Root is not a substitute for Margarita Mix

  • Sleeping off hangover after visiting Stonewall Jackson’s new self-named pub in Greenwich Village and discovering surprising new ways to express male friendship

  • Trying to decide whether my diary would sound better read by Jeremy Irons or Martin Sheen

  • Up late playing new game called “Tetris,” which involves dropping bricks of various shapes on immigrants and child-laborers

  • Haven’t gotten used to blog software’s new coal-on-shovel interface

  • Got scalped, again
Note: More top excuses through history here, here, and here.