Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog
... as reported in the Daily Gazette of the Potomac, July 19, 1864
- Still depressed over bad sideburn-trim and that whole Antietam thing
- Busy editing new "Lincolnisms" desktop calendar, berating President Lincoln’s excessive and awkward usage of future imperfect tense
- Backup servers not as resistant to flaming arrows as you would think
- Packing carpet-bag in anticipation of selfless humanitarian service in reconstructing the post-war South
- Had to work a double-shift at Uncle Jebediah’s Lynch-Mob Lemon-Ade and Souvenir Stand
- Word of advice, my brethren: Sherman’s “March to the Sea” is not a beach party
- Network down after system infected with virus while transporting complimentary Army blankets to Indians
- Wife came down with the vapors, or brain fever or whatever
- This wood-burning PlayStation is for shit, but I can’t put the damn thing down
- Some local ragamuffin kid stole off down river on a raft with one of my best slaves, and learned valuable lessons about humanity and brotherhood before we caught him and whipped his scrawny orphan ass
- Distracted by 19th Century Fox News’s claim that the war was the Transcendentalists’ fault, what with their moral relativism and short skirts
- Don't believe everything you read—Fredrick Douglass knows how to party.
- Boss caught me looking at porn on my adding machine
- Been in the outhouse “deleting Spam,” if you know what I mean
- Another word of advice, my brethren: Dr. Kilmer’s Swamp Root is not a substitute for Margarita Mix
- Sleeping off hangover after visiting Stonewall Jackson’s new self-named pub in Greenwich Village and discovering surprising new ways to express male friendship
- Trying to decide whether my diary would sound better read by Jeremy Irons or Martin Sheen
- Up late playing new game called “Tetris,” which involves dropping bricks of various shapes on immigrants and child-laborers
- Haven’t gotten used to blog software’s new coal-on-shovel interface
- Got scalped, again
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