Wrapped Up Like a Happy Howling-day Seizing

Be not afraid, for I bring you news of a great joy, which shall be to all people who support my making a tiny bit of dough, so that I will not be reduced to crafting my family's Christmas presents from the boxes from other people's Hanukkah presents. I've got a new thing up at Comedy Central's InDesicion blog about how Fred Thompson the man stacks up with Fred Thompson the character:

• Comparison Shopping: Fred Thompson vs. "Fred Thompson"

... read it! Enjoy it! Share it with your friends and neighbors and neighbors' friends' pets!

Meanwhile, C-baby surprised me recently with a copy of Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas, which as some of you may remember was a Jim Henson show done for HBO back in the olden days of yore. It had been a favorite of mine when I was a kid, but I hadn't actually seen it in twenty years or so, so I was curious how it would hold up. Here's the original introduction featuring Kermit the Frog, which was cut out when Disney bought it, along with several sarcastic lines which were apparently considered too cynical for modern tots:

However, it turns out that as a whole, the show is pretty depressing, and the message is basically that life sucks when you're poor. It's sort of like a Muppet version of "Good Times." I still enjoyed it for nostalgic reasons, though.

Finally, here are some things I wrote over at Cracked recently:

• Ian's Unnecessary News Roundup: Jamie-Lynn done got knocked up'ded, Huckabee wants to steal your soul, and yet another story about Pete Doherty and vomit.


• Fun with Yahoo News Photos: Wayward nipplies, terrorist scallops, and barbwire airports.


• A Knight to Remember: Knight Rider's back, and it's still a crappy American car with bad gas mileage.

Merrily, verily!

WULAD's Haunted Halloween Grab-Bag

I triumphantly survived the earthquake, thanks for asking. Now, I have three amazing things for you today—first, I have a post up at Comedy Central's InDesicion '08 blog which features a run-down of this year's crop of frighteningly realistic political masks, such as:

Hillary Clinton
Represented: Steely-eyed lust for power; gleaming teeth sharpened on the bones of political rivals; classy yet playful hairstyle
Missed: Genuine warmth and charm; giddy anticipation of all the fun the FBI can have with Rush Limbaugh once she's elected
Accessories: One Ring to Rule Them All; tasteful pantsuit

Condoleeza Rice
Represented: Petulant dejection of reputation in tatters; urgent need to go to the bathroom
Missed: Inner jubilation at all the Halo 3 she'll have time for once Bush is out of office
Accessories: Chevron supertanker bearing her name, which she will convert to tricked-out party-yacht in retirement

Barack Obama
Represented: Giant aural appendages evolved specifically to hear problems of troubled Americans; bizarre unwillingness to talk sh*t
Missed: Amazing campaign skills just waiting to burst forth... just waiting... any day now...
Accessories: Giant sandwich board reading, "Hussein Is a Very Common Name in Africa, Not That I'm From Africa... USA! USA!"

Bill Clinton
Represented: Almost pathological empathy; cheery satisfaction that this f#*%ed up country is no longer his problem
Missed: Knowledge that he just unhooked your bra with his eyes
Accessories: Cheeseburger hidden in shirt pocket

To continue reading "Halloween on the Beltway," click here. (And in case you're wondering, yes, this means I'll be invited to all the cool parties now with people like Carlos Mencia and Rita Rudner and the cast of that show about cops in shorts.)

Second, here's my list of last-minute costume ideas based only on news items found on Yahoo's Most Popular index:

• Mangy Pennsylvania Bigfoot-Dog


• Sexy Burmese Marching Monk


• Petra Nemcova's Cleavage


• Chihuahua in a Cowboy Hat


• Mrs. Jerry Seinfeld in a Chef's Hat


• Zombie Robert Goulet


• Dog with a Shotgun

Finally, what Halloween would be complete without a stroll down memory lane for your annual read of Terrifying tales of Halloween Dorkage Past? No Halloween, that's what. Enjoy your tricking and treating, and watch out for the razor blades and perverts!