Tribute in Spite

So everybody's been jumping on Keith Olbermann's dick lately for his bevy of anti-Bush diatribes, but I have to say I'm not that impressed. To me he just comes across as petulant, overly grave, and preachy. (Also, his use of the "hole the ground" as a symbol for Bush's wasted opportunity doesn't really translate, since the clusterfuck surrounding the re-development of Ground Zero and the memorial is classic New York politics and doesn't really have anything to do with Bush.)

It's not that Bush doesn't deserve to be verbally waterboarded at every opportunity; I just happen to think Olbermann is better at celebrating home runs than summoning the disembodied ghost of Edward R. Murrow. (Try to imagine Craig Kilborn delivering the same solemn condemnations.) (Did you like how I managed to use two words with the "mn" dipthong in a row? That's why I'm a rich literary celebrity and you're not.)

Which is not to say Olbemann has no right to get political because he used to be a sportscaster. But I can't help but feel like he's being appointed spokesman for the "silent majority," which bothers me because a) we're not all that silent, and b) nobody asked for my vote. I guess it's just that every other talking head out there is so pathetically horrible that Olbermann looks positively Cronkitian by comparison. I would say, however, that Stewart/Colbert, et al manage to be much more insightful and scathing, even though they've got a laugh track.

You know what? I just made the best argument against this post. Some little funny bit mocking Olbermann's weighty gravitas would've been more effective and entertaining. So here it is:

Phrases I Would Like to Hear Keith Olbermann Say with His Grave, Lecturing Delivery

• "Shame on you, Kevin Federline. Popo Zao? More like Popo Shame."
  
  
• "How dare you, Mr. McFeely? You come to our doorsteps, clad in that blue mockery of a uniform, with your disturbing adult bowl-cut, yammering about 'Speedy Delivery' as if that would decrease by one iota the misery that is life."
  
  
• "I am reminded of the wisdom of that great treasure trove of Americana, Perfect Strangers, specifically the time when Balki loses his hat. He was so sad. For shame."
  
  
• "The firemen came and broke through the chimney top——my mother and I were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird, and instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He'’d been climbing down the chimney on Christmas Eve, his arms loaded with presents. He slipped and broke his neck; he died instantly. That'’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus."
  
  
• "Hey dol, merry dol. Ring a dong dillo. Ring a dong, hop along. Fal lal the willow. Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo. These are words Mr. Bush would be wise to reflect on."
  
  
• "Remember then, for a moment, these words from our national memory, which ring as true today as they did when first uttered: Dad is great; he gives us... chocolate cake. Good night and good luck."

Blame It On the Douche

Today we're going to talk about Milli Vanili. My thoughts on this topic are twofold: first, a brief description of how Milli Vanili obliterated my childish faith in the Grammy Awards; second, how a recent amazing Milli Vanili-related idea of mine demonstrated that truth is both faster and less interesting than fiction.

When the original M.V. scandal broke, I was in 8th or 9th grade, and was dimly aware of the group's existence because of school dances and such, where I no doubt spent most of my time in corners vowing future revenge on those who undervalued my considerable romantic charms. Like many others, I was neither shocked nor interested when it was revealed that the two dreadlocked dudes from the videos (who I assumed were named Milli and Vanili) were not, in fact, the actual vocalists on the recordings. However, I was surprised and disillusioned when the Recording Academy decided to revoke the group's Grammy Awards, which I had foolishly believed to be awarded to the music, rather than commercial packaging and haircuts. Yes, I know, I was an idealistic teenaged loser, but c'mon--they sold millions of albums, and launched countless unwanted pregnancies, with those songs. Surely that had to count for something. But no.

Years passed, Milli or Vanili died tragically, possibly while assisting the INXS guy in autoerotic asphyxiation, and the whole sordid affair passed into the mists of time. That is, until a recent chance reference to M.V. inspired my most brilliant idea ever: somebody recorded those songs that were so successful--let's go find them, get them back into the studio, and unleash the talents of the genuine Milli Vanili on the world stage!

Except they already did that. In 1991. And it tanked.

Also it's possible I've already posted about this. There is nothing new under the blog.*

*Ha!

The Public WULADitor
A while back, during a stint stealing the spotlight of another website--which, though more widely read than this one, is probably less widely quoted while snorting nose-candy off the ample bosoms of American Idol-castoffs--I declared a moratorium on slogans pairing the surname of our president with a certain euphemism for female pubic hair. And it seems to have worked, although I might be less likely to notice ever since I gave up on America and stopped attending protest rallies.

In recent months, however, I've become aware of an insidiously growing trend in sloganeering which, while not new, has certainly begun to increase exponentially in usage. Imagine, if you will, my significant other and I, walking contentedly through our still-surprisingly poop-free neighborhood toward the BART station, when suddenly we are assaulted by the following piece of accusatory sidewalk vandalism:



Now, I know this little "meme" (some guy with big teeth and a slide rule taught me that word) has been around for a while in a variety of formats--and even without this new addendum, is definitely deserving of a big-time kibosh. But this one in particular really annoys the crap out of me. Why? Let's break it down:

1. "He Lied": Lying implies the ability to recognize empirical, or at least consensus-based, truth, as opposed to fantasy, delusion, or conditioned dogma, a distinction which, according to all available evidence, George W. Bush (the "He" in question) is utterly unable to make. (Remember, this is a man who believes that, any day now, he and Laura and Billy Graham and his dog will be magically whisked into the front row seats of salvation while the Love of Christ dumps wrath-bombs all over the non-believers, with much gnashing of teeth.) If the man believes it, it's "true." So one could say Bush made a bad decision, or trusted the wrong people, or didn't objectively evaluate the data, but I don't believe he lied any more than a child telling his mother the quarter under his pillow came from the tooth fairy is lying.

2. "You Knew": Well, duh. Of course we did, if by "you" our anonymous stencil-bandit is referring to the residents of the mostly liberal Oakland/Berkeley area in which this message has been seen. We knew; we voted against the guy, twice; we engaged in a myriad of protests, both in person and on our stupid websites; we sent worthless email petitions; even--despite pleas to desist--chanted slogans pairing the surname of our president with a certain euphemism for female pubic hair. If you want to point fingers, how about taking your grubby little stenciling-hands to the suburbs, or the Red States, or to Christopher Hitchens' house? "You knew." Up yours.

3. It is beyond a shadow of a doubt to me that the person responsible for this act of unbearably lame civil disobedience is an insufferable jackass, and probably an affluent white kid living off Dad's dime who will be voting Republican by the time he or she is 35 while reminiscing about those crazy days spent slumming with the hippies and defacing my neighborhood.

So in conclusion: I HEREBY DECREE that this is the last God damn use of the "Lied/Died" bit allowed--the unoriginal slogan-slingers will have to get back to the cliché drawing board and come up with some new and annoying way to trivialize the tragedy of this bullshit war.* Have a nice day!

*Thanks to Dale for this spot-on terminology.

UPDATE: I guess somebody didn't get the memo.

UPDATE 2: And somebody else didn't get it either. My patience is not infinite, people.

Up on the Soap Box with Old Saint WULAD
You’ve all heard me speak critically of Mayor Gav-o’s recent decision to ride the rapids of civil disobedience—not because I think he’s wrong, but because I think the timing is lousy. Bush is behind in polls, running scared on almost every issue and with credibility at an all-time low; and Newsome hands him an issue on which something like 65% of the population agrees with him. (Although he probably would have come out with this amendment crap anyway in response to the “activist judges” over in Massachussetts.)

The Republicans have frequently used divisive social issues like gay rights and abortion to distract people from realizing that they overwhelmingly support Democratic positions on the economy, the environment, global affairs, taxes, civil rights, etc. The idea seems to be to get Joe Six-pack to think, “Well, Dubya may be a lyin’ theivin’ corrupt bastard, but at least he’s protectin’ our treasured social fabric from them dastardly committed domestic pre-verts. And he likes NASCAR.”

I also felt that the inability of gays and lesbians to marry, while unjust, would probably be rectified within the next generation, and was not hurting anybody in a concrete way in the meantime—that is, compared to the cost of the environmental destruction, economic malfeasance, erosion of liberties, and wars for profit that are sure to continue under a second Bush regime.

(I recognize the exceptions are the legal and civil disadvantages unmarried gay couples face, but I believe the public is much more receptive at this time to correcting those inequities through “civil unions,” etc., which is what candidate Kerry—wisely, I believe, for now—has endorsed.)

But then comes the reaction from seeing happy people actually getting married (including some whom I know and wish good things for), and it’s hard to tell them that they should put their lives on hold for even another day, because it’s not politically expedient.

"Only a constitutional amendment can now assure that marriage between a woman and a man, and the family they raise, can remain into the future a foundational element of our society,'' [San Francisco Catholic Archbishop William] Levada said.

Yep, if we allow these loving couples to tie the knot, it’ll be the death knell for two-parent heterosexual families. I can just see John and Jane Q. Public watching the news: “Honey, did you see that they're letting the gays get married?”

“Damn. I guess we might as well forget this family shit now. Do you want to tell Junior or should I?”

I guess the point of all this is that I wish people in this country weren’t so damn attached to their precious prejudices and could just look at something for what it is once in a while. (And the sky is blue and fighting is bad and the Pope is Catholic, despite what the guy from Mad Max says.)

But wouldn’t it be great if Bush made his principled stand for his approved version of The American Family®…

…and lost anyway?