Are You Ready for Some Vote-Ball?!

Although I know that countless people have come to depend on this site to wade through the festering swamp of American political discourse and provide detailed instructions on what to believe, who to vote for, where to hide the bodies, and what-have-you, I confess that I've been a little bit out of the loop this year.

I guess I'm still suffering from the general politics-avoidance-syndrome I developed just about three years ago—I'm trying to remember what might have happened in November of 2004 to cause that... nope, can't think of anything—which means that I haven't seen any of the debates, and I don't watch political TV anymore, whether it be the Daily Show or Whoever/Lehrer or Frontline (which I believe could be renamed "Very Bad News Set to Oppressive Narration and Stressful Music").

I do follow the news online, of course, especially since it's part of my job to make fun of it—but on the web I have the advantage of being able to only read as much as I want, and ignore things that upset me (beyond my normal level of upset-ness, I mean). Which I guess is similar to the criticisms leveled at people who only frequent right-wing media, except that they are wrong about everything and I am only wrong about 60% of everything. (70%, tops.)

So due to my less-than-thorough (but still more thorough than 80% of the country) research into the candidates, I guess I've absorbed the standard narratives about the main Dems: that is, that Obama is inspiring and thoughtful but might not be "ready for prime-time" (and I wish his name was "Jack Strongman" or something), that Edwards is "electable" but smarmy and uninspiring, that Hillary could single-handedly unite the currently fragmented right-wing tribes into a powerful army of opposition, and that Kucinich believes in Space-Leprechauns. But I suppose it's still early.

Speaking of guys I wish were named "Man Powerstrong," I have a piece up at the CC InDecision blog today about Sen. Obama and suggestions for controversial, "Sister Souljah moment" messages he could take to crucial audiences like the NRA, the Sierra Club, WonderCon, NAMBLA, etc. So stroll on over and give it a read:

• Propaganza: No More Mr. Nice Speech

P.S. I've also got two other things up today: Brawlin' Baldwins at Cracked, and Dog is My Co-parent at The Cleaver. Check 'em out.

Workin' for the Man Every Night and Day

In another "Holy Crap, They Pay People to Do This?" development, I'm happy to announce that as of this week I'm going to be contributing semi-regularly to Comedy Central's Indecision '08 blog. My first appearance is a group effort, painstakingly compiled with fellow Junkiness alumni Messrs. Tobey, Gladstone, and DiClaudio:

You may be wondering why Chuck Norris has decided to throw his massive support behind Mike Huckabee for president. Turns out there's a bunch of reasons...

• When Mike Huckabee participated in the Iowa Straw Poll, they had to re-name it the Iowa Iron Pole.
  
• Mike Huckabee can cut taxes... with his penis.
  
• Stephen Hawking told Mike Huckabee the universe was 12 billion years old once. Once.
  
• Mike Huckabee lost 100 pounds of body fat by eating it.
  
• Jesus asked Mike Huckabee for career advice, but Huckabee was too busy body-slamming Satan.
  
• Mike Huckabee flosses his teeth with the bones of abortion doctors at least twice a day.
  
• Mike Huckabee is forbidden to interfere with human history.
  
• Top scientists believe global warming is a direct consequence of Mike Huckabee getting angry.
  
• Mike Huckabee opposes gay marriage because every man on earth wants to marry him.
  
• Mike Huckabee won't repeal the Estate Tax out of sympathy for the families of his victims.
  
• Mike Huckabee has completed six marathons, two of which aren't until next year.
  
• Fred Thomspon, John McCain and Rudy Giuliani all got cancer because Mike Huckabee looked at them too hard.
  
• If Mike Huckabee is elected, he'll bring all the troops home--he can handle this himself.
  
• If Mike Huckabee had been around in Biblical times, the symbol of Christianity would be Pontius Pilate with a cross up his ass.

But wait--there's more!