I know, what have I done for you lately? Well, as evidenced by the previous entry, it's in no-one's best interest that I put something up here just to put something up here. So in the tradition of great blog titans stretching back into the mists of time, I ask that you sit patiently while I replenish my creative juices. Perhaps a game of "UNO" is in order.

However, it isn't my style to leave you with nothing, so here, for your infotainification, are

Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog
... from Ye Olde Time-Traveler's Intercerebral Data Stream Gazette-Weekly, August 12, 6,000,000 B.C.—3456 A.D.—B4/X Timesphere

• Was out late gathering sticks, rocks, animal hides, and disco clothing for clan's participation in tomorrow's Holo-Laser Orbital Battle and Old-Tyme Ice Cream Social
  
  
• Helen of Troy may be good in the sack, but she burned down my damn teepee trying to make French toast, and she can't drive a hoverbike to save her life
  
  
• Let's just say that those people who warn you about hanging around with your hormone-crazed teenaged grandmother are right
  
  
• Still cleaning up the mess that Cornelius, Zira, and Karl Marx made at my cubewarming party last night
  
  
• You'd never believe what a pain in the ass it is to create a stable timesphere matrix using only substances available in 12th-century Utah
  
  
• I don't care how damn busy he is; if I link to freakin' Fredrick the Great, he should link to me, end of story
  
  
• Mammoth tusk stuck in my drivetrain, again
  
  
• Summoned to late 20th-century California to help some losers with their history report
  
  
• You know how we were wondering what it would be like if the Mongol horde had conquered Europe? Well, before I left for my last trip, you weren't eating yak butter and your middle name wasn't Genghis
  
  
• Busy downloading that video of Pamela Anderson doin' it with Shakespeare
  
  
• Just because Proust posts twenty damn times a day doesn't mean everybody should do it

Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog
...as reported in Zok’s Prehistoric Post-Examiner and Ladies’ Cave Journal, June 2, 500,000 B.C.

• Computer buried under two-mile-thick ice sheet
  
  
• Busy testing theory that saber-toothed cats just want someone to love (FYI—theory now considered in need of revision)
  
  
• Bandwidth is for shit ever since LaurasiaLink and Gondwanaland Broadband taken over by Pangaea Online
  
  
• Spent hours crafting lengthy opinion piece about how Neanderthals are only good at dancing and sports, only to have it eaten by computer, which was then eaten by Neanderthals
  
  
• Tiny protohuman brain have serious problem with HTML and CSS—how Style Sheet work, anyway?
  
  
• Grog*Spot site-hosting increasingly spotty since Grog discovered fermented mastodon milk
  
  
• Still scratching head over morning’s appearance of large black monolith accompanied by overbearing and bombastic Strauss score
  
  
• Stayed out too late at Huey Lewis show
  
  
• Web server constructed of mud, spit, and bones of giant sloth surprisingly ineffective
  
  
• Can’t get in the mood ever since iPod eaten by Tyrannosaur—just kidding, Zok know dinosaurs not coexist with cavemen.
  
  
• Trying to develop new web app to streamline file transfer, but instead keep coming up with strange, hot, orange, smoking thing that burn Zok’s hands
  
  
• "Clan of the Cave Bear"? More like Clan of the Shitty Neighbors Who Won’t Shut Up All Night!

...More Top Excuses through history here, here, here, here, and here.

Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog
...as reported in the Like Swingin’ Cold War Journal, July 28, 1960

• Miles Davis borrowed my laptop and pawned it
  
  
• Still trying to figure out why Norman Mailer called me a “White Negro,” but I don’t think he meant it in a good way
  
  
• Spent past 3 days on a Benzedrine-fueled creative spree only to discover typewriter is not internet-ready
  
  
• Busy planning vacation in the happy tropical paradise of Northern Vietnam
  
  
• I can't remember if I cried when I read about his widowed bride, but something touched me deep inside, the day... the music... died. So I’ve been watching a lot of porn
  
  
• Bandwidth is for shit ever since El Telecóm de la Revolución Popular took over Havana Online
  
  
• Concerned about Windows58’s vulnerability to viruses and the Red Menace
  
  
• Saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix, and it really bummed me out
  
  
• Just got back from Manchuria, but I assure you it had nothing to do with my candidacy
  
  
• Some dude in a cowboy hat crashed through my ceiling on an H-bomb and totally trashed my iMac
  
  
• Busy planning vacation in the happy tropical paradise of the Bikini Atoll
  
  
• The Khmer Rouge came by and burned my house down and killed my entire family—I guess those guys aren’t really into blogs
  
  
• Takes forever to get your lunch in Greensboro ever since those Negroes started sitting at the counter doing nothing
  
  
• When Khruschev said he'd "bury" me, I didn't think he meant it literally, or that the chosen medium would be Vienna sausages
  
  
• Practicing for long, lucrative career as house bongo-player at jazz poetry café
  
  
• You wouldn't believe how much yammering about the afterlife you have to sit through to get Shirley MacLaine in the sack
  
  
• Don’t believe the hype: Sputnik Broadband® sucks

Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog
... as reported in the Daily Gazette of the Potomac, July 19, 1864

• Still depressed over bad sideburn-trim and that whole Antietam thing
  
  
• Busy editing new "Lincolnisms" desktop calendar, berating President Lincoln’s excessive and awkward usage of future imperfect tense
  
  
• Backup servers not as resistant to flaming arrows as you would think
  
  
• Packing carpet-bag in anticipation of selfless humanitarian service in reconstructing the post-war South
  
  
• Had to work a double-shift at Uncle Jebediah’s Lynch-Mob Lemon-Ade and Souvenir Stand
  
  
• Word of advice, my brethren: Sherman’s “March to the Sea” is not a beach party
  
  
• Network down after system infected with virus while transporting complimentary Army blankets to Indians
  
  
• Wife came down with the vapors, or brain fever or whatever
  
  
• This wood-burning PlayStation is for shit, but I can’t put the damn thing down
  
  
• Some local ragamuffin kid stole off down river on a raft with one of my best slaves, and learned valuable lessons about humanity and brotherhood before we caught him and whipped his scrawny orphan ass
  
  
• Distracted by 19th Century Fox News’s claim that the war was the Transcendentalists’ fault, what with their moral relativism and short skirts
  
  
• Don't believe everything you read—Fredrick Douglass knows how to party.
  
  
• Boss caught me looking at porn on my adding machine
  
  
• Been in the outhouse “deleting Spam,” if you know what I mean
  
  
• Another word of advice, my brethren: Dr. Kilmer’s Swamp Root is not a substitute for Margarita Mix
  
  
• Sleeping off hangover after visiting Stonewall Jackson’s new self-named pub in Greenwich Village and discovering surprising new ways to express male friendship
  
  
• Trying to decide whether my diary would sound better read by Jeremy Irons or Martin Sheen
  
  
• Up late playing new game called “Tetris,” which involves dropping bricks of various shapes on immigrants and child-laborers
  
  
• Haven’t gotten used to blog software’s new coal-on-shovel interface
  
  
• Got scalped, again

Note: More top excuses through history here, here, and here.

Still More Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog

...as published in Ye Olde Medieval Tech News and Witchcraft Gazette, February 9, 1204 A.D.:

• Distracted by bare ankle of Lady Janette during stake-burning halftime show of ScourgeBowl ‘04
  
  
• Just flew in from a catapult in Saxony, and man, are my arms tired
  
  
• Locked self in the bathroom all day with my copy of Liber augmenti et diminutionis vacatus numeratio divinationis, if you know what I mean
  
  
• Convinced that blogs were created by our sworn enemies the Normans to steal our attention while they plunder our townships and teach our womenfolk how to read
  
  
• Beginning to think I shouldn’t have made out with that leper chick at the office party
  
  
• Tired of making cheap jokes at the expense of the heathen Chinese, and their silly “Great Wall” and “gunpowder”
  
  
• Bandwidth is for shit ever since Royal Telecom of His Majesty Richard I merged with Aquitaine Online
  
  
• Ideas not coming so easily after having evil headache spirits drilled out of skull
  
  
• My days of blasphemy are over, as I promised some Pope while I was on the rack
  
  
• Concerned about vulnerability to worms in Windows 1200 and my infected leg wound
  
  
• Heart not in it ever since Thomas á Becket bit the big one
  
  
• Was up late with the pogroms and whatnot
  
  
• Tired of making cheap jokes at the expense of the heathen Arabs, and their ridiculous “libraries” and “spherical trigonometry”
  
  
• Computer made of hay, pitch, and stone surprisingly ineffective

More Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog

...as reported in The New York Times in Your Skull, Feb 2, 2104 A.D.

• Ambushed by cloned self in dark alley, organs stolen while unconscious
  
  
• Worn out from long night with AguileraBot
  
  
• Third head really killing me today
  
  
• Ordered to report to Iraq by Generalissimo Dick Cheney IV, again
  
  
• Busy penning article on genius of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, now universally acknowledged as best film ever made
  
  
• Demoralized by lack of good holo-comments
  
  
• Distracted by Janet Jackson’s reanimated singing nipple during SuperBowl CXXXVIII
  
  
• Following 11th Commandment ("Thou shalt have no other blogs before mine"), recently posted by God 2.0 on www.BlogAlmighty.com
  
  
• Immersed in oeuvre of greatest living American novelist Paris Hilton (especially her epic Finnegans Wake 2: Electric Boogaloo)
  
  
• Made self sick by eating 22 bowls of Soylent Green just to get to prize at bottom of box
  
  
• Lost interest when told that blogs now outnumber humans by factor of twelve

Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog

...as tabulated by American Academy of Important Statistics and Stuff, Jan. 2004:

• Computer incapacitated by baloney sandwich wedged in D: drive
  
  
• Hospitalized following drunken fracas at LegoLand
  
  
• Busy rummaging through Spalding Gray’s trash for “clues”
  
  
• Meeting with Commissioner of Baseball to discuss possible reinstatement on way to dog track
  
  
• Grounded
  
  
• Developed carpal-tunnel syndrome following launch of HotMaryPoppinsAction.com
  
  
• Sent to Alaskan military school by dad following flunking of History exam due to George Carlin’s interference
  
  
• Recruited unexpectedly to fill vacancy in The Bloodhound Gang
  
  
• Searching for weapons of mass destruction and babes
  
  
• Didn’t feel like it