Increasingly Unlikely Alternatives to “Rock Out with Your Cock Out” for Fans of Other Musical Genres.

Punk out with your junk out.
Swing out with your thing out.
Soul out with your mole out.
Blues out with your shoes out.
House out with your blouse out.
Thrash out with your rash out.
Groove out with your hoove out.
Folk out with your yolk out.
Samba out with your mamba out.
Waltz out with your schmaltz out.
Hula out with your medulla out.
Rhumba out with your lumbar out.
Tango out with your mango out.
Oldies out with your shouldies out.
Grunge out with your sponge out.
Disco out with your Crisco out.
Jazz out with your azz out.
R&B out with your T&A out.
Flamenco out with your Chernenko out.
Bossa Nova out with your Navratilova out.
Great American Popular Song out with your Great American Popular Schlong out.
Pop out with your copout.

Handy Phrases to Use After Your Team Is Eliminated from the Playoffs

• Uhghahhhn.
  
  
• You God damn, damn God-damnin' God-damners... damn.
  
  
• Do not want
  
  
• Guhh-ahrrrghhmm. Llngm.
  
  
• [Opposing team's starting pitcher] is the bastard inbred son of a motherless goat-whore!
  
  
• Finally I can change my lucky [team colors] [hat/watch/underwear/adult diaper]!
  
  
• Wwwww...
  
  
• [Underperforming millionaire outfielder] licks the sweat off a dead bastard inbred son of a motherless goat-whore's balls!
  
  
• [Long pause.] Mmmnghl.
  
  
• It is only through the experience of loss that we may truly learn to appreciate the beauty of the struggle, the adversity, and the journey which make up the true lessons of this game—which is, in the end, no more, nor less, than the game of life and FUCK YOU ST. LOUIS!!!!
  
  
• [Sobbing wordlessly.]
  
  
• As an intellectual, I have greater concerns than the performance of a bunch of overpaid growth-hormone abusers in a staged contest of athleticism, and I therefore oh God you bastards you broke my Goddam heart you sons-of-bitches...
  
  
• Wait... Tih... Nexhhh... Yeahhhhhrmrmmgh...

Wrapped Up Like a Published Author

Well, the day I've waited for my entire life has actually come (and gone, come to think of it)——the creator of your very own WULAD has wormed his way into a printed, published (and soon to be pulped, no doubt) book.

It's called Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists, and it features a plethora of humorous bits penned by a cast of probably-not-thousands-but-more-than-tens. In addition to myself, this cast includes many other talented humorous-bit-producers I sort-of know in a digital way (such as the oft-imitated but never-penetrated C. Monks, for example).

But why, you might ask, should I spend my hard-earned drug money on this former happy, living tree, when I can just as easily read all the same lists on McSweeney's minimalist-designed website at no charge? My answer comes in the form of just the sort of "witty" list you might find in the book in question:

REASONS TO SPEND
$12.95 ON
"MOUNTAIN MAN
DANCE MOVES"
RATHER THAN
READING THE LISTS
FOR FREE ON
MCSWEENEY'S WEBSITE.
- - -

• You can read it on the toilet, which I wouldn't recommend for the website.
  
  
• Could potentially fill you with the incomparable feeling of smugness that comes from supporting an independent bookseller, even if you secretly suspect they're trying to turn your kids gay.
  
  
• No additional money will be passed on to me no matter how many copies are sold, giving you the satisfaction of causing me to question whether I should've held out for another ten bucks.
  
  
• Every time a McSweeney's book gets remaindered a bearded hipster somewhere silently weeps.
  
  
• Prevents you from being the last one at the water cooler without an opinion on "Ways Art Garfunkel is Superior to a Dented Can of Vienna Sausages."
  
  
• The book may in fact contain exclusive material not found on the website. I don't have any reason to believe this, but I suppose it could be true.
  
  
• The unicorn-in-pastels cover art brings an air of rugged masculinity to even the daintiest of Scandinavian-designed coffee tables.
  
  
• Four Porsches is just not enough for Dave Eggers.

- - -

So run on out to your neighborhood bookstore or predatory high-volume mail-order reseller, and pick up a copy if you know what's good for you. It may be your last chance to read me in print before The Bible II gets picked up by Random House.

Voices of America

First of all, I'm not thrilled with your deafening silence after the Pop Quiz, not to mention the last three installments of The Bible II. Having said that, WULAD is nothing if not forgiving, so here's another opportunity to get your comment on.

A recent survey found that 30% of Americans were unable to identify the year in which the September 11th attacks took place. (It was 1986.) Here are some other surprising results, none of which were mentioned in the article for some reason:

• 32% of Americans believe the Earth and Moon revolve around a Jiffy Lube in Paramus, NJ
  
  
• 68%, when asked to name the current Secretary of the Interior, replied "Cheeseburgers"
  
  
• 28% believe that The Bible II: Heretic Boogaloo is the perfect and inerrant Word of REO Speedwagon
  
  
• 46% are unable to complete simple mathematical equations such as the square root of negative infinity and Fermat's Last Theorem
  
  
• 81% believe that children are our future; 67% of those believe that future to be a horrible, poverty-ridden dystopia
  
  
• 18% claim to have had sexual relations with Jesus; 86% of those later discovered to be talking about a Mexican dude
  
  
• 35% confess to having thoughts of drowning the members of Steely Dan in a liquid-vinyl pool of their own melted-down albums
  
  
• 41% can't believe they actually made out with Art Garfunkel, even if it was the 60s and they were totally stoned
  
  
• 87% believe George W. Bush to be an intelligent and competent leader; 92% of those followed up answer with side-splitting laughter, fell to ground
  
  
• 34% believe they can fly, touch the sky; 100% of those found to be mistaken when subjected to high-altitude drop test
  
  
• 92% don't ever wanna die and will believe any old cockamamie hogwash if it prevents them from thinking about it
  
  
• 62% claim to read WULAD diligently; same 62% swear they're "giving up looking at porn for good, starting tomorrow"
  
  
• 100% believe this survey to be misleading; none of those are all not non-incorrect

Got more? I await your displays of chest-beating cleverness.

A WULADospheric Exclusive!

A team of Australian scientists recently produced a spectacular photograph of a rare nacreous cloud while studying the atmosphere over Antarctica.

At least that's the official story.

However, using the latest in Advanced Gizmology and Whizbangetry, the WULAD Science Squad has produced this shocking close-up of the cloud, which reveals, perhaps, something "they" might not want you to see...



How does this discovery influence our long-held beliefs regarding cloud formations, the human soul, or the possible existence of cheeseburgers in the hereafter? I leave those questions to you.

Three Short Lists Which May or May Not Be Better Than Nothing

Reasons Art Garfunkel Should Have Been Selected as the New Leader of Al-Qaeda in Iraq

• Could’ve used expertise in breakdancing to add much-needed hip-hop appeal to cause
  
  
• He and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi went way back, although it’s true Art was a little miffed when Bin Laden got picked over him as best man at the wedding--I mean, it’s not like Art pulled Zarqawi’s lifeless body out of a frozen pond and carried him to safety when he was eight--oh yeah, come to think of it, he did, that ungrateful son of a bitch
  
  
• Implicated in schoolyard incident by co-conspirator Julio
  
  
• When Iran beat the U.S. in soccer, he celebrated by planting an improvised explosive device in Paul Simon’s guitar case
  
  
• Recently changed name to Artu al-Qarfunqel
  
  
• Advocated stoning of Mrs. Robinson for her whorish western dress
  
  
• Has successfully hidden from U.S. since 1970
  
  
• Like a bridge over troubled water, he will blow you up

(More career options for Mr. Garfunkel here.)


Actual Reactions from Residents of Kansas City when Told I Live in Oakland, California

• “Oh, you’re from Oakland? We hate Oakland! The traffic was horrible, and once when I took my nephews to San Francisco we were in Chinatown, and we ended up in one of those alleys where white people aren’t supposed to go, you know what I mean? And the kids disappeared, and I finally found them in one of those porn stores!”
  
  
• “Oakland?! That hellhole!”

Best Phrase Randomly Noticed while Flipping Through The New Yorker

• "Gestapo Santa Claus"

Several Short Things Which Are Probably Better than Nothing

1. The media is lying to you. This is a Jim Henson creation designed to distract you from any number of governmental and corporate scandals. (I know it's not by Pixar because it isn't giving me nightmares.) "Southern Tamandua"--that's not even a very good fake name. They could've at least called it a Lesser Jib-Warbling Cuddlymundi or something. You disappoint me, media conspiracy.

2. As a fan of the Other New York Team, I've learned to enjoy hating "Chipper" Jones of the Atlanta Braves, mainly because of his spirit-crushing heroics against the Mets, but also because of his ugly stupid face. So I was gratified to read this quote from The Chip, who's currently playing alongside the likewise ugly-stupid-faced Roger Clemens on the U.S.'s underachieving World Baseball Classic team:

Asked what he thought of Clemens after being with him on this team, Jones said: "He's more like Jesus than I thought. Guys would be huddled around talking smack in the clubhouse and Roger walks in. It's like the parting of the Red Sea."

Yeah, I remember it well: Jesus parted the Red Sea, right before he escaped the Romans and headed for the mountains of Pakistan. Way to know your Bible, you poor excuse for a Southern cracker.

2½. Other possible analogies Chipper Jones could've used to describe Roger Clemens:

• He's more like Abraham Lincoln than I thought. Guys would be huddled around talking smack in the clubhouse and Roger walks in. It's like the Battle of Trafalgar.
  
  
• He's more like Captain Kirk than I thought. Guys would be huddled around talking smack in the clubhouse and Roger walks in. It's like the death of Darth Vader.
  
  
• He's more like Richard Pryor than I thought. Guys would be huddled around talking smack in the clubhouse and Roger walks in. It's like that "Assassination of Buckwheat" sketch.
  
  
• He's more like Søren Kierkegaard than I thought. Guys would be huddled around talking smack in the clubhouse and Roger walks in. It's like the mind playing an active role in constituting the features of experience and limiting the mind's access to the empirical realm of space and time.
  
  
• He's more like Chunk from The Goonies than I thought. Guys would be huddled around talking smack in the clubhouse and Roger walks in. It's like that scene in The Goonies where Clark Gable says, "Frankly, Chunk, I don't give a damn." (Got more? Knock me out.)

3. Here is a picture of a fascinating no-hole Cheerio I found in my cereal this morning. If this isn't a sign of the coming apocalypse, I don't know what is.



...I said "probably" better than nothing.

News Headlines Which Would Also Make Excellent Band Names

• Peanut Butter Kiss Of Death
  
  
• Lions Reportedly Sack Mooch
  
  
• SF's Music City Meltdown
  
  
• Cubes Full Of Shopping Carts
  
  
• Subway Shove Horror
  
  
• Dark Secret of Plaza Teen
  
  
• Bomb Fiend Slaughters 6
  
  
• Brutal ritual or 'fun'?

Three More Short Lists that are Probably Better than Nothing

Part 1: Little-Known Esoteric Beliefs of Scientology

• Each person’s soul is comprised of equal parts intuition, emotion, and Mexican chocolate
  
  
• God’s true name is known only to Art Garfunkel but he’ll tell you if you bring him balloon animals
  
  
• It is theoretically possible to attain perfect enlightenment using an ordinary household Tivo® recorder
  
  
• Contrary to the Judeo-Christian Bible, the Chosen People are actually the Croats
  
  
• Total cost of salvation: $78,945.23 (gratuities and towel fees not included)
  
  
• L. Ron Hubbard was able to fly at will, but he usually didn’t feel like it
  
  
• "New Coke" was better than old Coke

Part 2: New Events to be Added if the 2012 Summer Olympics are Held in New York City

• 2m Turnstile-Jumping
  
• Full-Contact Apartment Hunting
  
• 3m Platform Dumpster Dive
  
• Roach Wrangling (Apparatus and Floor Exercise)
  
• Speed-Gentrification
  
• 200m Trust-Fund Emptying Dash
  
• Synchronized Fuck You

Part 3: Things the Mets Can Do to Salvage Their Season

• Petition to change the official rules of baseball so the team scoring the fewest runs in nine innings wins
  
  
• Stand on clubhouse toilet while hanging a clock, fall and hit heads on sink, come up with idea for the flux capacitor, allowing the team to travel back in time and return to a present where Alex Rodriguez and Vladimir Guerrero are Mets and everyone has a shiny new 4X4 in the driveway being polished by George Steinbrenner
  
  
• Replace All-Star catcher Mike Piazza’s spot in the lineup with Jimmy, the team’s loveably "special" bat boy
  
  
• You know, there’s still a good chance you can use steroids and get away with it

Three Short Lists, to Counter the Argument That I Never Do Anything for You

Part 1: Surprising Facts About Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the So-On and So-Forth

• Design of Yoda was actually inspired by object found in George Lucas’s left nostril
  
• James Earl Jones has been in a coma for three years; lines for Sith had to be reconstructed from phone sex chats recorded in happier days
  
• When Steve Spielberg cried at Lucas’s private Sith screening, he had actually just rubbed his eyes after slicing habañero chiles
  
• Original, pre-Tom Stoppard screenplay featured epic final battle between Negroid Droids and JewBots
  
• Jedis and Vulcans = same thing

Part 2: Rejected Names from the Recently Abandoned Sesame Street Smash Monster Truck Rally Concept

• Big Bird Spirit of American Dominance
  
• SuperGrover Rover
  
• Maria & Luis’s ¡Máquina del Muerte!
  
• Crush Me Beneath Your Mighty Wheels Elmo
  
• Mr. Hooper’s Store... of Destruction
  
• Kermit the Frog that Kills You
  
• This Horrible Motorized Death Machine Brought to You by the Letters E and J, and the Number 5
  
• Snuffleupakickyourass
  
• Das Bert

Part 3: Things Not to Say in a Job Interview Under any Circumstances

• "Inappropriate touching is a highly subjective term."
  
• "During my reign of terror..."
  
• "What’s important is that no one died. No one who didn’t have it coming to them, that is."
  
• "I’ll answer when I feel like answering, Faggy McPantywaist."
  
• "Abe Lincoln was a shitty president and a lousy human being."
  
• "That’s what your Mom said when I was having sexual intercourse with her this morning!"
  
• "I hope to God I get this job. And obviously I mean that as a figure of speech, since God is dead."

My Favorite Sentence from a News Story Today
"But the scandal is also one rooted in the behavior of military reservists working at the prison, an environment that testimony has portrayed as more frat house than military prison, a place where inmates were routinely left naked and soldiers took pictures of one another simulating sex with fruit."

New Variations on the "I Don’t Give a ______" Theme, Developed While Watching a News Story About the "Runaway Bride"

• I don’t give a crap’s ass.
  
  
• I don’t give a rat’s hoot.
  
  
• I don’t give a flying ass.
  
  
• I don’t give a damn’s crap.
  
  
• I don’t give a good God’s ass.
  
  
• I don’t give a flying hoot’s ass.
  
  
• I don’t give a flying shit’s crap.
  
  
• I don’t give a damn God’s shit.
  
  
• I don’t give a crap’s ass-crap.
  
  
• I don’t give a flying God’s hooting rat crap.
  
  
• You know when a piece of crap sits on a toilet and takes a crap? That's what I don't give.
  
  
• I don’t give a God.

Misc.
I went to see Hitchhiker’s Guide last night. It was resoundingly, overwhelmingly, sort-of OK. However, the moment that made it worthwhile for me was the bit where they played the music from the radio and TV shows—I had prepared myself to be really disappointed at not hearing that music, so when I actually did hear it, I was so pleasantly surprised that it made my general disappointment with the rest of the movie less noticeable. (Incidentally, for purists, the BBC has started on the radio version of So Long... with most of the original cast. You can listen to it here. But if you were a purist you already knew that.)

The Yankees are in last place. I’m all broke up about it.

Tomorrow, C-Baby and I are going to see this:



Olé, suckers!

Another List
Think of these as low-investment, potentially high-yield.

Most Likely Names for Britney Spears’ Recently Announced Expected Child

• Donnie-Jo John-Paul II Spears
  
  
• Madonna-Bob Spears Federline
  
  
• Billy-Ray Thelonious Federline-Spears
  
  
• Chastity Jezebel Spearserline
  
  
• George Herbert Walker Hamentashen Federspears
  
  
• Lao Tzu-Joe Spears-Federline-Spears
  
  
• Ashleeee-Ann Menachem Federstein
  
  
• Franklin Delano-Sue Spearsowitz
  
  
• Baby Boy Doe
  
  
• Britney Spears Jr.

The Only Thing I Will Say About That One Brain-Dead Lady Who is Now Also Body-Dead
It really bugged me that the talking heads kept saying things like, "Terri Schiavo's long fight to stay alive ended this morning," or referring to her "struggle" or "battle for survival." Wasn't no battling going on, folks, at least not from Laci—I mean Elián—I mean Terri.

Quotes of Note, Vol. mxcvii

"You probably picked the shittiest cab in the whole city today, my friend."

-My cab driver on a recent morning, less than ten seconds after I entered the car.

"Oh, I love jazz. But then I guess everybody does."

-A temp, after being told what I do with my free time. It's sad that I find this so hilarious.

"Governor Schwarzenegger has proposed eliminating the Cesar Chavez holiday... in an attempt to starve off a budget crisis."

-KRON 4's Terisa Estacio, in a report this morning. Not that funny, but I felt "starve off" was a particularly ill-timed misspeak.

Self-Plagiarization is the Highest Form of (Self-)Flattery
The other day, while browsing a website that was pulling in thousands of readers a day long before your dearly betolerated WULAD was even a glint in its founder’s lazy eye, I came across a reference to an earlier piece from the same site which featured some sorta-chuckleable commenting from yours truly.

(For those new to the world of "blogging," it is the solemn duty of every "blogger" to comment wittily on no fewer than a dozen superior "blogs" each day. Exceptional examples of this might include such bon mots as "Ha ha! Your funny," or "You suck, nobody cares what you think," or "Get Lev1tra and C1alis, n0 pre$cripti0n needed!")

"It is a God-f*cking c*cks*cking damn mammajammin’ shame that this sorta-chuckleable material is hidden away on this very popular site," I thought. "Why not share this with my own handful of readers, so that they may sorta chuckle at it?"

And what are the ethical ramifications of this? I believe Hume put it most aptly when he said, "Bite my fat Scottish ass."

Oh yeah, the set-up... It’s a list of TV shows that have been retooled to be about animals. So sorta chuckle away, and feel free to add your own much funnier contributions (and see you at my gig tonight, Bay Area-ers).

The Must-See TV Fall Line-up, As Modified After the Great Animal Revolution of 2005

• Swinefeld
  
• Llama's Family
  
• My So-Called Lice
  
• Koala My Children
  
• Snapper Spawn, M.D.
  
• Family Flies
  
• Mad About Eukaryotes
  
• WCARP
  
• Sphagnum, P.I. (not an animal, I know)
  
• All in the Family Drosphilidae
  
• Designing Wombats
  
• Remington Steelhead
  
• The Wonder Yeast
  
• Jerry Springbok
  
• T.J. Hookworm
  
• My Favorite Marsupial
  
• The Love Boa
  
• CHimPs
  
• The Greatest American Heron

I only said sorta-chuckleable, all right? Jesus...

Three Short Lists that Probably Should Have Stayed on the Drawing Board

Least Appropriate Sexual Innuendos

• I’d like to remanufacture her carburetor!
  
  
• I’ve got a final solution for her Jewish menace!
  
  
• I’d sign her seven-year, $119 million contract!
  
  
• I’d Haile her Salassie!

Best Excuses for Not Voting in Jan. 30 Iraqi Election

• The polling is so poorly monitored that I’m afraid any yahoo with a 'C' average and some family connections could come in and steal the election
  
  
• Still trying to see somebody about these electrified genitals
  
  
• The last time I made my opinions known I ended up in a paper shredder
  
  
• It’s not just that the road to my polling place is heavily mined—I’m OK with that, really—it’s that I just don’t believe any of the candidates would really speak for me, since they’re all dead
  
  
• Saddam in '09!

Snippets of Conversation Between the Mars Spirit and Opportunity Rovers as They Gradually Succumb to Power Death

Spirit: Remember when we were doing all that science stuff? That was awesome.

Opportunity: Do you suppose they’re coming to get us? I’m sure they wouldn’t just leave us here.

Spirit: Did I tell you about when I changed tools to the Mössbauer spectrometer and placed it in the rock abrasion tool hole for a long integration? I did? Never mind.

Opportunity: I think Nietzsche was right; God is dead.

Spirit: Remember that show Perfect Strangers? I wonder whatever happened to that guy. No, not Balki, the other guy.

Opportunity: I never loved you.

New Year's Resolutions 2005
(Interspersed with outstanding contributions of Contest Entrants)

• Keep a chartreuse flag hanging out my backside, but only on the left side, yeah that's the Douche side
  
  
• Keep C-Baby far away from the American left’s new Most Eligible Bachelor (Her preliminary take on the divorce: “At least he’s working for San Francisco... she’s just a whore.”)
  
  
• Move to Vegas and become C-Baby’s houseboy if necessary to achieve above
  
  
• Find a cure for cancer, preferably involving something simple like eating more marshmallows or saying the alphabet backwards
  
  
• Not arrive at anyone's house drunk after 2am and New Year's Day before 6am does not count.
  
  
• Be the first person to enter the … Contest, even though I probably won't win because everyone knows that the judges can't give the big scores to the first competitors, since they need to save room for better performances later in the evening—which is why I've gotten my diplomatic corps to broker a deal with the French judge, exchanging a high score for me for a high score for Surya Bonaly
  
  
• Fire my diplomatic corps and start a new life in deep cover, hiding from henchmen of Surya Bonaly and Nicole Bobek ("Bobek!") and Michelle Kwan's stereotypical overbearing Asian dad
  
  
• Grant NBG’s wish that at least one person look at her ass and say, "nice ass" by encouraging readers to flood the comments below with praise for said ass. I know you can’t see it, but you’ll just have to make a leap of faith for once in your lives, people.
  
  
• Never vote again—it only leads to disappointment and jury duty
  
  
• Produce and direct a big overblown homoerotic epic and then blame its failure on fundamentalist Christians, rather than the fact that it is a useless blivit of a film and the ad features a puffy-lipped starlet with what sounds like a fake Transylvanian accent delivering a line like, “there will never be a Genghis like you… Genghis the Khan!”
  
  
• Spend every waking hour reading blogs and providing definitions from the Oxford English Dictionary to those in need. I shall begin now: bliv·it [blívvət] (plural bliv·its) n. 1. a collapsible rubberized bladder used to transport and store fuel and water in forward areas of a battlefield; 2. something useless, pointless, or annoying (slang)
  
  
• Ix-nay on the usamis-tsay

Who won the contest, you’re wondering? Every one of the contributors, just for heeding my desperate cry for attention once again. Your amazing custom prizes are on the way. If I don’t have your email, send it to me or miss out.

Several Things
Primero: I have a new thing up at McSweeney's today, "Alternatives to 'Opening a Can o' Whupass' for the Less Confrontationally Inclined." Every one of these tiny morsels of fame I can scrounge from under the table of success may be my last, so savor these moments, kids. (I'm not dying, that I know of, I'm just running out of ideas.)

Segundo: The Bounty of Barouque Badassness known as the WCKR Bach Festival 2004 has begun. So dust off your RealPlayer and get your ass over there for some churchin' up. As I said to C-Baby, "Hey, the Bach Festival's starting—I get to replace my jazz nerd hat with my barouque nerd hat!"

Finalmente: I know I said it would be Fridays, but since most people have tomorrow off I've decided to go ahead with the next installment of the Catch of the Day Classics. Enjoy, and have a Merry Whatever.

Two More Short Lists, Based on Events in the News

Reasons for the Crowd’s Celebration Upon Receiving News of Scott Peterson’s Death Sentence

• They love justice. No, they loooooooooove it.
  
  
• Mistakenly thought they were at a monster truck rally and the Ku Klux Krusher was about to take on Multiculturizer II.
  
  
• They were really angry about Scott Peterson’s lack of public apology for crime he has steadfastly denied committing for past two years.
  
  
• Those were hoots ‘n’ hollers of profound sympathy for the victims’ family.
  
  
• Convinced Laci really would’ve liked them, and possibly even made out with them, if she’d only had the chance
  
  
• U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Names for the New Washington D.C. Baseball Stadium Which I Would Gladly Finance After Winning the Lottery

• Armpit of America Field
  
  
• The Die Ralph Nader Complex
  
  
• Yankees Suck Stadium
  
  
• Where's Osama Field
  
  
• Ronald Reagan What-Now?
  
  
• Kid Who Always Got Picked Last Stadium
  
  
• George W. Bush is an Ignorant Election-Stealing Millionaire Jackass who Never Worked a Day in his Life and Should Never Have Won One Term Let Alone Two You Stupid Idiotic Rednecks Field
  
  
• Ian’s Enormous Manhood Park
  
  
• Youppi Memorial Stadium

Three Mini-Lists, in the Manner of a Certain Popular Website

Substances Barry Bonds Believed He Might Have Been Applying Other than Steroids

• Flaxseed Oil
  
• Suntan Lotion
  
• Kryptonite
  
• Venus Flytrap-Repellant
  
• Oxy 10
  
• Dr. Kilmer’s Original Swamp Root Cureall
  
• Bud Selig’s “Love Juice”
  
• Steroids Aqua Velva

My Favorite Fruits

• Bananas
  
• Persimmons
  
• Mandarin Oranges
  
• Insert Potentially Gay Celebrity
  
• Kiwis

Rejected Monster-Truck Names

• The Sautéer
  
• Rabbinical Rampage
  
• ShortBusSaurus
  
• The Clap
  
• Mighty Hermaphrodighty
  
• The Brazilian Waxer
  
• King Krossdresser
  
• BigConscience
  
• American Hubris
  
• The Hysterectomator
  
• The Black Guy