Are You Ready for Some Update-Ball?!

Since readers have been stopping by to say hello and ask where the fuck I am, I thought I'd offer a little update. Most of my energy has been going to writing for Junkiness, since we have a stable of five awesometastic contributors and a quota of eight posts per day (upon pain of genital electrocution). It's not quite as free-form as WULAD, but I appreciate the team spirit (our mascot is "The Fighting Black Jesuses") and the approximately 2,000 additional visitors per day beyond the highest number this site ever had, even in the heady days of the Britney Bajingo-Baring insanity of late 2006.

So the easiest way for you to get your WULAD fix is to read Junkiness on a daily basis, with the knowledge that approximately one-fifth to one-third (depending on the day) of the genius there flowed from my mighty keyboard. If you're interested in more specific information on who wrote what, you can subscribe to the site's RSS feed, which includes author tags—but since the collaborative spirit is the best part of the thing, you should of course read everyone else's wicked-brilliant posts.

Finally, just to prove that I've been hard at work hammering the molten metal of news and gossip into the finely-honed steel of satire, here's an author's-choice fistful of what I consider my recent greatest hits over there:

• Paris Hilton, Goodwill Ambassador
  
• An Inconvenient Sleuth
  
• Obama: "Vote for Me or I’ll Jack You with This Crowbar"
  
• Hey Pot, It’s Kettle—You’re a Pedophile!
  
• State of the Union 2007: The Junkiness Edition
  
• Burn, Baby Burn—Geothermal Inferno!
  
• Breaking News: Spears Family Circus Stalls at Three
  
• The Candidate of a Thousand Faces
  
• Yes, Virginia, There is a Racist Clause

... Those ought to keep you busy for a while, or my name isn't naked Harry Potter. Anyway, posting here at WULAD will be on a once-in-a-blue-moon basis for the foreseeable future, so be sure to subscribe to the strange and wonderful WULAD RSS feed (and if you subscribed prior to a few months ago, you'll need to resubscribe—details here) so you won't miss a damn word. So until we meet again: Godspeed, you black Jesuses!

P.S. I almost forgot—there's one more reader-contributed installment of The Bible II in the can, so I will be presenting that next week for your religious education and holy enjoyment.

P.P.S. Happy Ground Hog Day!

Again with the Using a Reference to Another Site Instead of Coming Up Something
Today, WULAD pays a birthday tribute to Utter Wonder, a site which has for three years been a shining beacon of better-than-averageness amongst the crowded field of "fair-to-middling" bloggery.

(Readers may remember Utter Wonder as the victim of a vicious thrashing at the hands of WULAD in an epic battle early this summer. But that which has gone by has been allowed to remain that which has gone by, and I believe our two sites now look forward into a bright future of cooperation and slightly-faggy mutual admiration.)

Therefore, we present WULAD's official birthday greeting to U.W., and wish it many fair-to-middling returns. And presenting the official, legally-binding "Huzzah," is none other than WULAD's favorite charitable fundraising crotch-exposer, Paris Hilton!

She's not coming? Ahem. Well, if Ms. Hilton was here, I'm sure she would gladly and earnestly say unto you a phrase which she often says unto me, usually accompanied by a hearty slap on the backside: "Huzzah."

The Douche That Time Forgot: Part II
As I continue to plumb the depths of human depravity over at The Spoonbender, we forge ahead on our two-week trip down memory lane with another fabulous guest contributor: this time it's Charges, reknowned pornography auteur and proprietor of her own entertaining website.

(Charges sent this to me with the preamble, "Hi Ian! Here is my thing. I hope it works out somehow." Oddly enough, this closely resembles the pick-up line I used in college! Ba dump, etc.)

Three days before this past Valentine's Day, WULAD gave me a gift that I graciously gave to my loved ones. Here is how it went:

From: Rollertrain
To: Gideon's Bible
Subject: OMIFUCKINGOD this is hilarious

dude, did you see what WULAD posted today? i've been reading it over and over for like 6 hours.

- - - - -

From: Rollertrain
To: Coworker with Whom I Had a Passionate Affair that Ended in Rejection
Subject: This is what you did to my heart

I wanted to share with you the damage you did to my eternal core, except this time it's funny.

- - - - -

From: Rollertrain
To: Coworker Who Has Been in Love with Me for 3 Years
Subject: Your agony is good for my ego

Does it feel something like this? You have that same grimace every time I say no.

- - - - -

From: Rollertrain
To: Head of I.T. Department
Subject: I TOLD you that blogs can be cool

You say "everyone has a fucking blog," but you don't even know what blogs ARE. Asshole.

- - - - -

From: Rollertrain
To: I.T. Grunt
Subject: My boss told me to tell you this

Please get me Photoshop 10 and a new laptop so I can do stuff like this during work hours. Thanks. [Editor's note: WULAD is never created during work hours. Ever.]

- - - - -

From: Rollertrain
To: Boyfriend
Subject: 2gether 4ever

Breaking up with me will cause me actual physical harm, and possibly make me die. Can you imagine the guilt that would cripple you? Life will be much easier with me alive. Happy V-Day, baby!

- - - - -

From: Rollertrain
To: Spoonbender
Subject: Thanks for introducing me to WULAD!!!

It's the best blog ever!!! Also: Do you have his address? I'd like to send him some free porn for having the best blog ever. [Ed. Note: this is why C-Baby has said, "Stay away from that Charges girl."]

So here it is: the Best WULAD Post of All Time (in 2005): Unbreak My Heart!

The Douche That Time Forgot: Part I
Note: While I continue skyrocketing to fame over at The Spoonbender, several of the usual suspects will be presenting their favorite apparitions of the Ghost of WULAD Past. First up: Gene.

Ian Delano Garfunkel: blogmaster, jazzercist, poet. Hello, I'm Gene Morgan from the blog, 'POMPADOURED.' You may know me from the comments section of this site, or from that time I dressed in a hard-hat and boy-shorts to dance on stage to C & C Music Factory. I'm an ass-kisser, and I'm here to talk about something very special.

From the days of Samuel Johnson and The Rambler columns, the opinion hungry public has desired someone who could deliver them from the tyranny of boring words, a lover of wisdom that could upchuck the literary-humor-done-daily nastiness, someone who in one stroke could usurp the Jews who wrote the Jesus story, roll over that cooze with the hashed-out Harry Potter books, and deliver something more filling and fat-assed than Tex-Mex.

I'm not saying that WULAD is bigger than adolescent wizards and Jesus and... Okay, maybe I am saying that, but seriously dudes, WULAD is salvation and pre-pubescent magic rolled into a tortilla and fried with a side of refried beans and rice and guacamole AND a margarita with salt. On the rocks.

Ian is bigger than queso, bigger than cheese enchiladas, bigger than fajitas - especially when it comes to putting things atop a douche and wrapping said things with said douche. In fact, WULAD is the king of douche in our douche-y but lovably fresh America. Totally. And as so, Ian is our Douche Jesus, our Harry Douche, our Franklin Douche Roosevelt—He's all of these things. He's a blog wizard dynamo jazzercist poet god, and you, yes you picking your nose and eating ice cream and tab-browsing porn, you should love his genius, forever.

So I'm supposed to pick something out. Some nugget of WULAD TNT that'll make you sweat 'til you bleed. Something so quizzical and rapture filled that your ass will fall flat out the seat of your pants, and you'll weep silently into your mound of cookie-dough and fleshlight, steady past 2045. Prepare to lose your queso puffs in mere seconds, friends. I did, and I still don't understand why.

The Tyranny of the Clone Stamp Tool



I have no idea what this means but I feel it somehow had to be made.

Mad Monks: Beyond Bloggerdome
C. Monks, a.k.a. The Master of Lies, has posted his return salvo in our ugly Blog Brawl. I will let his response stand, or sink weakly to its knees, on its own merits, except to say that C-Baby and others pointed out that Mr. Monks' initial response—"Thanks for blog fighting me, Ian. I shall give you my rebuttal next Tuesday. Promise."—is like, the gayest thing ever.

And while he's correct that WULAD has never in its life had 1000 hits in one day—not even at the height of the Paris Hilton Crotch Craze of 2004—he nevertheless better expect to crush meager competition like me without breaking a sweat on his dainty little head if he's ever going to stand a chance against the blog titans mentioned in his opening challenge.

(And no doubt I will receive more new traffic from this throwdown than his already crumbling-under-the-weight-of-its-own-success site! WULAD wins again!)

As an aside, another blogger was talking last week on my blog about how he really hates the word blog and bloggity blog blog blog. Blog, blog!

Bring It
C. Monks wants to scrap. He’s all jealous cuz Blog Fight Clubs are all the rage, and he’s out in the cold, whimperin’ and cryin’ to his momma.

Well, I say to you, Monks—you Star Jones-Stalkin’, Curt Schilling Republicanism-Forgivin’, 900 McSweeney’s Puff Pieces-Submittin’, Hardly Evah Askin’ Me to Guest-Bloggin’, Own Picture Not Permittin’ But Other People’s Picures-Solicitin’ hack—you worst excuse for a poor man’s S.J. Perelman ever to be plagiarized in the New Yorker—lez do this thing, bitch.

But if you gonna bring it, you better bring it, cuz I’m gonna kick your blog’s ass back to 1997, and it’ll be all about Dave Matthews and your new fifteen-pound cellphone and how you can’t wait ‘til the iMac comes out cuz it’s gonna be AWESOME!

That’s right, I said DAVE MATTHEWS, bitch!

Here’s just a sample, people, of all the ways this wanna-be Shouter & Murmurer has done me wrong:

• Told Dana Plato that I thought she was fat, setting off downward spiral that led to her death
  
  
• Sabotaged my front-running design submission for the September 11 Memorial by writing “We Luv U Osama” on the architectural model
  
  
• Shot my dad in Reno just to watch him die
  
  
• Directed “Monster’s Ball”
  
  
• Secretly put a Guatemalan orphan in a piñata and laughed while I and my forty party guests whacked it with a stick

In fairness, I must confess that I once took out an ad in the Boston Globe announcing that the father of Monks’ children was a 71-year-old mentally challenged Albanian plumber named "Bardhosh," but I think you’ll agree it’s a six of one, half-dozen of another situation.

So, Mr. Wonder-Udder or whatever your name is, you better be ready, sucka, cuz I’m bringin’ a whole world of hurt to you, WULAD-style.

WULAD Web Wround-Up
The Wonderfully Utterable C. Monks has redesigned his flagship site to commemmorate the second anniversary of its Blogbirth. It's all cool 'n' shit, and makes me weep at the relative banality and uncoolness of my own site "design." So go over and gaze dreamily upon it, and send him birthday wishes, if you feel like it. You'll also be able to read the Epic Poem which I composed in honor of the occasion. It's a doozy.