Monday, March 15, 2004

You Ignored It Here First
Among the attendees at last week’s show was WULAD’s Dad (WU-DAD?), who said, among other interesting things*, something like: “Now, me, not being a maven of pop culture like yourself...” which of course caused C-Baby to erupt in paroxysms of laughter, and to reiterate My New Title many times throughout the weekend.

*Such as—Arnold Schwarzenegger has a private bathroom at the Capitol, filled with pictures of himself, including a big one directly over the john.

But after some introspection, I realized that perhaps WULAD has not been living up to said status as Maven of Pop Culture, at least not as much as it could if it really put its collective mind to the task.

So, in an effort to honor the title which has been bestowed upon us, we gaze into the crystal ball of Pop Mavenhood and proudly present...

WULAD’s Pop Culture Predictions, Summer ’04 Edition!

  • Game show audiences will go crazy for Name that Infrequently Updated Blog!, hosted by Gen. Wesley Clark, with color commentary by Screamin' Howard Dean in a Hawaiian shirt.

  • Dick Cheney will enjoy a brief tenure as America’s teen heartthrob after his scorching shirtless appearance on the season finale of The O.C., but White House doctors will later reveal that the “heartthrob” was actually a minor cardiac arrest, the vice president’s third of the day.

  • 80s sensation Max Headroom will enjoy a return to the public eye when he is captured fighting alongside Taliban insurgents in Afghanistan. His public trial and execution will be the hit of the SciFi Channel’s "sweeps week."

  • Britney Spears’ 115 minutes of fame will end suddenly when audiences realize, mid-Pepsi commercial, that she looks exactly like the butch softball player who threatened to beat them up in 11th-grade P.E. (Thanks to C-Baby.)

  • Martha Stewart, etc.

  • Bill O’Reilly will be forced to transfer a maggot and ox-testicle sandwich to Al Franken by the mouth while competing on Fear Factor: the Pundit Edition. However, O’Reilly’s lack of jet-ski prowess will eventually be his undoing, and viewers will watch him weep silently as host Joe Rogan awards Arianna Huffington the $50,000 prize, and proceeds to engage in a threesome with her and Franken right there on the boat dock.

  • Philosophy celeb-watchers will be knocked on their keisters when it is revealed that, contrary to his fundamental idea that the 'logical constants' are not representatives, Ludwig Wittgenstein actually believed that there could be representatives of the logic of facts!

  • There was going to be a joke here about Bush wanting to put a man on the Sun by such-and-such a year, but somebody’s already done it. Figures.