Ways in Which Art Garfunkel Would Make a Better Supreme Court Justice Than Samuel Alito
- Dramatic rise and fall in American pop culture gives him a unique understanding of the pitfalls of sudden fame
- When tears are in the legal system's eyes, he'll dry them all... with justice
- Rather than overturning such established law as Roe v. Wade, would fiercely argue for the legal precedent supporting the Paul Simon is a Dickwad Amendment
- Has never pledged undying allegiance to the Will of the Dark Lord, unlike some people
- Would like to know a little bit about the American people for his files; would like to help them learn to help themselves
- Would easily silence overbearing justices such as Scalia and Thomas with his memorable courtroom catchphrase, "It was against the law, what the Mama saw!"
- Don't give a rat's ass what the Pope will think
- His Oral Arguments in Central Park show will draw a crowd of thousands, and will be rebroadcast during public television pledge drives no less than three times weekly for the next twenty years
- Already familiar with the Court due to his passionate, post-graduation affair with middle-aged temptress Ruth Bader Ginsburg, although she is said to harbor some ill will for his subsequent disruption of her daughter's wedding
- His substantial Jew-fro doubles as a handy dust-mop
- Not an evil bastard, as far as we know
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