The Giant Cheese Wax Ball Knows All, 8/2/13
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Dear Waxy, should I attend by 20th high school reunion tomorrow?
-Deniene E.
GCWB: Starting off with an easy one, eh? No, you should not. Facebook has made class reunions obsolete. You already know what all those people are doing, what their kids wore to Sadie Hawkins, who's gotten fat, and who has 8 cats, because you saw the pictures last week. The few holdouts who haven't given in to the ZuckerBorg are probably off the grid or in jail, which means they also will most likely not attend. If you absolutely have to see some of your old classmates, just send them a FB message and arrange to meet up at Jimboy's. If that idea makes you recoil in terror, then you didn't really want to see them, right? So do yourself a favor and spend that time doing something productive like gardening, playing sudoku, or throwing eggs at the BART headquarters.
Dear GCWB: I have this friend. He is insufferably cheery most of the time. How can I demonstrate to him that life is really a black hole swallowing us all up into it's pit of despair? I mean, something that doesn't take a lot of time and is affordable of course.
-Roger H.
GCWB: There's a good chance this friend you speak of is actually a Tzadik Nistar, one of the 36 hidden saints whose unceasing efforts prevent the end of the world. I suggest you not mess with his mojo.
Have you seen all the twilight movies? Are you team Snowden or team Assange? I mean, they're both pretty good looking and both advocates of more open governments... but I wonder which one would win in a fight. Also, in keeping with the governmental/twilight theme, which one, either Snowden or Assange, would be the vampire and which would be the werewolf? ALL HAIL THE GCWB!
-Ben T.
GCWB: Ben--you're kind of all over the place on this one, but let's unpack this. Assange has a slightly David-Lynchian appeal (obviously vampire) but the indiscriminate nature of his leaking is a turnoff--you think the sordid details of your pillow talk would stand a chance of remaining secret? Snowden has that dreamy stubble (definitely the werewolf) but he lost points with me for taking refuge in a country where it's illegal to wear a rainbow pin. There are plenty of other whistleblowers in the sea, so I would advise you not to settle for one of these two. (Bradley Manning should be out & single in 120 years or so!)
Why aren't you getting noticeably bigger each week?
-Meghan B.
GCWB: Meghan--I beg to differ! You can clearly see my growth reflected here:
Oh great and wise (and wide) ball of cheese, will I win my bet with Mark L. over which will finish with the better record: The Giants or the Mets?
-Keith S.
GCWB: I could tell you, but I'd rather answer the question you MEANT to ask, which is who would win in a fight between Mr. Met and Lou Seal. And that answer is obvious. Despite Mr/Ms. Seal (there may be some gender confusion going on, because his name is Lou, but his full name is a play on "Lucille," right?) having a lower center of gravity, Mr. Met grew up on the mean streets of Queens and never lost his rough-and-tumble edge, despite his ever-cheery expression. The seal, on the other hand, would spend so much energy making vulgar pelvic thrusts at the crowd that he would be oblivious to the devastating left hook coming straight for his tacky sunglasses, and would go down for good by the third round.
Why do I require a cardigan sweater in August?
-Bran C.
GCWB: The bigger question, Bran, is why you own a cardigan sweater after 1995.
How can I attain enlightenment?
-Dennis D.
GCWB: Dennis--It's actually available through my intensive six-week course, which covers such topics as Intro to Insight, Advanced Actualization, Epiphany On the Go, Accelerated Awakening, and Queer Studies, and also involves beating your naked flesh with a broom handle for several hours each day. RESULTS GUARANTEED! Most students qualify for extensive, high-interest financial aid from a guy I know, so act now, and soon you'll be on your way to becoming a certified cosmetologist!
I just dropped my application in the mail. Can I reserve a place in the Queer Studies class?
-Dennis D.
GCWB: You misunderstand, Dennis. You're TEACHING the Queer Studies class.
GWCB how dare you judge my fashion choices. From the looks of your picture, you aren't all that fancy.
-Bran C.
GCWB: Bran, keep talking like that and your Hot Topic gift card might just get "lost in the mail" this year.
Dear GCWB: I'm starting a band. What should I name it?
-Heather T.
GCWB: Unfortunately, as of this morning, the only remaining available band names are: "Abbotabad Bodybag," "Hambone Zamboni," "Trouthouse," "Club Closed for Private Party," "The Flying Heather T.'s," and, strangely, "Van Halen." (I think they forgot to file the paperwork). Any of those would be a slam dunk!
GWCB, I would expect someone that looks like the Target logo to critique my emerald green cardigan, but your suggestion of Hot Topic has me puzzled. What do you buy there, spiked dog collars to wear on your waxy neck? Of wait, you have no neck. Yeah, I went there. Bring it. P.S. You have nothing on mozzarella.
-Bran C.
GCWB: Oh, are you still talking? I was busy being interviewed by Dutch television about my teenaged affair with Susan Sontag.
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