The Giant Cheese Wax Ball Knows All, 9/13/13

It's Friday, and you know what that means--I'm drunk. But it also means the amazing Giant Cheese Wax Ball has returned to answer your pressing questions. Commence!

Are the hills really alive with the sound of music, or is that fracking? Are either of those good for the environment or the economy or both or neither.
-Ben T.

GCWB: Actually, Ben, it turns out that sound is neither fracking nor music--what you're really hearing is the Mountain Gods engaged in an epic thousand-year battle over which is better, 'N Sync or One Direction, and the repercussions of that debate on mysterious deletions of certain shows from the DVR. To answer the second part of your question, fracking is good for the economy but bad for the environment; music is good for the environment but bad for the economy; but the new field of musical fracking is good for both the environment AND the economy. Sure, it requires shooting saxophonists deep into the Earth's crust, but you can't make an omelet...

Do you interpret dreams? I have a recurring one; I'm at a deli in Chicago with Scott Baio and Rene Descartes. Descartes is laughing, until he's told they are out of pastrami, which causes him to become inconsolable. Scott Baio attempt to cheer him with a pantomime of the Battle of Trafalgar, but this only pushes Descartes further into despair, which then draws the ire of the other people in the deli, who riot and burn Baio at the stake. What does it mean?
-Roger H.

GCWB: The deli is your career. Decartes is probably your mother. The pastrami is money. The Battle of Trafalgar is the Battle of Gettysburg. Scott Baio is Robert E. Lee. Robert E. Lee is probably also your mother. The stake is just a stake. Hope that clarifies things for you!

Giant Cheese Wax Ball, how long does it take paint to dry? I'm getting tired of watching...
-Karen P.

GCWB: Karen--In my experience paint dries much faster if you rub your face on it.

"Are you there Giant Cheese Wax Ball? It’s me, Margaret. I just told my mother I want a bra. Please help me grow GWCB. You know where." -Recently discovered 1st Draft by Judy Blume
-Emily K.

GCWB: Whatever you say, "Judy Blume 1st Draft." Let's just say it's a well-known fact among traditional shamanic cultures that rubbing cheese wax on the affected areas is guaranteed to promote growth, or your money back (minus shipping & handling)!

Tune in next week for yet another edition of The Giant Cheese Wax Ball Knows All!