Thursday, July 14, 2005

The Douche That Time Forgot: Part III
We continue our two-week trip down memory lane with another visit from a kindly guest, who has once again saved me from having to be clever in two places at once. Today's contributor is Jackson West, a rising star of Bay Area Blogdom who should probably be starring in cowboy movies with a name like that. Take it away, Tex:

WULAD is the funniest blog I read. In fact, it's probably funnier than blogs I don't read, but I wouldn't know, because I don't read them. Plus, Ian is an excellent jazz musician. How do I know? Because I actually took his advice and went to see him play at House of Shields, where, with the help of some friends, I embarrassed him in public and ate his cupcakes (which, like his blog and his jazz music, were good). [Editor's note: they were C-Baby's cupcakes, which are the sorts of things you people miss out on by not coming to my shows.]

My favorite bits on WULAD are Ian's "Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog," which I read because they might come in handy someday if anyone were to ever expect me to post regularly on my own, not very funny blog (for my larger, group effort blog, the other people are funnier than me anyway, so no one complains when I stop posting).

But there's a twist in this literary cocktail--a twist of 'the funny!' Because, you see, they are all written as though people have been blogging throughout the ages, before things like computers even existed. L to the O to the L, people! Of course, we all know that blogging started when people in cubicles got tired of doing any work at their highly paid dot-com jobs, and then really took off when they lost said jobs and had nothing better to do than rant about the poor quality of daytime television.

So, to repay the honor of being chosen to guest-blog here at WULAD, I've completely stolen Ian's idea, which is a grand comedy tradition (see: Robin Williams). Without any further ado, I bring you:

Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog reported in Leningradist, July 7th, 1936.

  • Home raided by KGB after posting an illegal MP3 of decadent capitalist swing music by Lionel Hampton
  • Had to make a quick trip to Mexico, where I was not following Trotsky around trying to kill him with an ice pick
  • Getting ready to move to Germany, where as a Jew I can live free from persecution
  • Bandwidth is for shit ever since CadreCom merged with American Fascist Capitalist Pigdogs Online
  • Little Sasha ratted me out for complaining about the crappy toilet paper at Stal-Mart
  • Haven't been able to think straight after the drugs, sleep deprivation and beatings in preparation for my upcoming show trial
  • After three days in line, I got some rancid sausage, which gave me the trots
  • Volunteered to help the Spanish Republic beat back Franco, but was told they were doing fine
  • Was on location as an extra in Eisenstein's Alexander Nevsky
  • New Russian Mini-Computer made with vacuum tubes and electromagnetic relays surprisingly ineffective
  • Depressed ever since the upset by Kiev in the Motoball championships
  • Went blind after Ilya and I drank that bottle of "Stoli Methanol"
  • Got tired of the constant comment spam about "online Kyrgyz hold-em," "Emma Goldman nude," and "discount truth serum"
  • Spent a week at the dacha with Paul Robeson and Charlie Chaplin
... More Top Excuses through history here, here, here, here, here and here.