Wrapped Up Like A Douche

The Return of the Paris Hilton Crotch Shot Foundation : Pledge Drive '05!
Imagine, if you will, a time not so long ago... a time when thousands starved in the smoldering remains of their U.S. military-destroyed homes, while thousands more trolled the recesses of the internet in search of the nether regions of a certain celebrity heiress. This, my friends, was fall 2003, when your friendly webnorhood WULAD had the vision to unite these seemingly disparate elements to make the world a better place; I'm speaking, of course, of the Paris Hilton Crotch Shot Foundation.

The inaugural edition of the PHCSF Pledge Drive managed to bring in 462 hits, raising a total of $35.03 from a dozen or so generous pledgers to help the people of Afghanistan, whose country our government had recently blown to hell. Not bad, but I believe that this year we could really do something special. That's where you come in.

Here's how it works: you, the loyal reader who cares about the suffering of others, will make a pledge of a certain monetary amount for each hit that WULAD gets from someone searching for anything related to Ms. Hilton's famous crotch between now (right now!) and April 30. (Let's say a penny minimum, folks. Crotchmas only comes once a year.)

(And in the interest of equality of the sexes, we've added a second option for this year's drive: pledgers may choose to have donations based on "Joe Rogan Shirtless" rather than Ms. Hilton's crotch. Or you could even go philanthropogasmic and pledge for both!)

At the end of that time, I'll tally up the visits and the money will go to the UNICEF South Asian Tsunami Relief Fund. In fact, I'm going to start the ball rolling by pledging five damn cents per hit. So, in the words of our beloved founder and the proprietor of said crotch, "Let's turn that masturbation into a mass donation!"

To pledge: Email me at wulad AT aol.com, or proclaim your generosity in the comments and nudge fence-sitters into doing the same. This is the real deal, folks, so make with the humanitarianism.

UPDATE: Feeling skittish? You can even hedge your bets by including a maximum amount with your pledge so you won't be in the poorhouse if I get picked up by Fark.com or something.