Wrapped Up Like A Douche

WULAD Watches... TV!
Tyra Banks? More like Tyrant Blanks!¹ It is inconceivable that My (platonic) Girl Lluvy get booted in favor of Blondie McBoring and that suburban chick with the Russian-sounding name who does nothing for nobody (other than serve as a useful Stuck-Up White Girl-foil to the Up-By-the-Bootstraps Black Girl, which guarantees some shout-downs and good television, I guess). The same "good for TV" excuse can be used, as C-Baby pointed out, for Edgy Bisexual Scabies Chick. Still, Lluvy is much too high a price to pay—and that fish picture² was not her fault, you fat bald gay assholes.³ (And by the way, making your own perfume package out of construction paper ain’t got shit to do with being a model. And neither does pretending to have a freaking Cockney accent. And and and and...)

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¹ "Wanks" also acceptable.
² Just because she already looks like a fish doesn't mean you should wrap her in newspaper and eat her on Fridays⁴, you stupid shitty photographers.
³ Before you write, some of my best friends are fat, bald, gay, and/or assholes.
⁴ Like the Catholic segue? Read on.

Moving along, I watched the Pope’s seven-hour funeral in its entirety last night, and I have one thing to say about it—awesome. Wait—make that fucking boring as shit. Believe you me, if my ass becomes pope and leads the Church for twenty years and shapes world events and suffers a long and public illness and dies and has a seven-hour funeral, it's going to be a rager, Kid 'n' Play-style.

CORRECTION: Earlier in the week, I said, in reference to the Mets, that It was "On." Since that time, it has come to my attention that It is decidedly not On.

PHCSF '05 UPDATE: Paris stopped by the other night for a Tanqueray & Red Bull & Maker’s & Stoli & Red Bull Cosmo, and was very disappointed to learn how many pledges we've gotten so far (including myself: two). The Crotch Seekers are doing their part—in droves—now it's time for you to do yours. So put on your "Think Globally, Crotch Locally" buttons and send your pledges today.