WULAD Web Wround-Up
So the Cubs fans electrocuted the Bartman Ball. If I may quote from my post at the time of the incident in question:

Cub fans... the guy who caught the foul ball is not your enemy. The eight runs you coughed up after that are the enemy. (This is similar to Red Sox fans blaming Bill Buckner for losing the ’86 series when in reality a) at the time Mookie’s grounder rolled through his legs, the game was already tied, so they would’ve had to go to extra innings even if he’d fielded the ball cleanly; and b) it was Game 6, so they had a whole new day and a whole new lead to blow on their way to that unhappy fate. So leave the guy’s kids alone already.

But if laying the blame on supernatural skullduggeries allows you to accept the shattering of your most treasured dreams with a modicum of aplomb—and so far, it doesn’t—then electrocute away. Sorry you couldn’t get the paperwork to fry Bartman himself, like we all know you wanted.

Speaking of shattered baseball dreams, here are some gorgeous sunrise photos of Boston Harbor, from carwreck.com.

And speaking of more shattered baseball dreams, a cheery report from Mets camp—in the Post, of all places.

Finally, on the continued creeping horror of committed loving couples marrying each other, the Onion is all over it, as usual. “Massachusetts has one of the highest concentrations of gay households in the country, at 1.3 percent, according to the 2000 census. Under the new laws, the figure is expected to increase by approximately 98.7 percentage points.”

Wrapped Up Like a Challenge
Well, pretty much everybody stepped up to the plate on this one, and the sheer quality of the entries made it nearly impossible for the WULAD Award Assembly to pick one winner. So instead we’ve compiled an Honor Roll of top submissions:

• Glenn Frey v. Rachael Leigh Cook
  
• Harvey Firestein v. Sam Waterston
  
• Jerry Hall v. Joyce Carol Oates (Both of these girls’ kisses are on my list. This batch of gems is from Señor Wences.)
  
  
• The Rock v. Little Jackie Paper v. Edward Scissorhands (This may be the out-and-out Most Clever one, from hot toddy.)
  
  
• Ed "Too Tall" Jones v. Too $hort (and I could probably add "v. John Holmes." From Flub.)
  
  
• Adam Carolla v. Toyota Corolla
  
• Dan Marino v. a Nissan Murano (Kudos to NotTheRock for bringing cars into this. Coincidentally, those are two people I actually would like to see fight cars.)
  
  
• J Kwon v. Raekwan v. MyGreatOne (This is an inside joke from C-Baby. You’ll have to take my word that it’s funny.)
  
  
• Howard Dean v. Yoko Ono (This one from OATO made no sense at first, but I realized that they both have a penchant for screaming incoherently.)

And in a special "Obscure but Outstanding" category, Richard had some good jazz ones which might need some explanation for the general public...

• Wayne Shorter v. Michel Petrucciani (Petrucciani is about 3 feet tall.)
  
• Wingy Manone v. Horace Parlan (v. Dave Liebman, I guess) (I don’t get this one, but it must have some meaning since his other ones are so inspired.)
  
• Red Norvo v. Grant Green v. Blue Mitchell (v. Gray Davis, maybe? Can he play an instrument?)
  
• Gary Peacock v. Donald Byrd (v. Cat Anderson) (Cat would win. Also, this is one trio gig I wouldn't want to miss.)

Since everyone’s contributions were so meritorious, WULAD has created a special downloadable award for all of you, which can be viewed here. This is only to be viewed by people who submitted entries—any others who look upon it shall bring a curse upon themselves and all the fruit of their accursed loins. Thanks for participating!

P.S. James Cagney v. Lacey Peterson, Cokie Roberts v. Pol Pot, Wesley Clark v. Jeff Kent, Buddy Holly v. Natalie Wood, Zazu Pitts v. Alban Berg...

Up on the Soap Box with Old Saint WULAD
You’ve all heard me speak critically of Mayor Gav-o’s recent decision to ride the rapids of civil disobedience—not because I think he’s wrong, but because I think the timing is lousy. Bush is behind in polls, running scared on almost every issue and with credibility at an all-time low; and Newsome hands him an issue on which something like 65% of the population agrees with him. (Although he probably would have come out with this amendment crap anyway in response to the “activist judges” over in Massachussetts.)

The Republicans have frequently used divisive social issues like gay rights and abortion to distract people from realizing that they overwhelmingly support Democratic positions on the economy, the environment, global affairs, taxes, civil rights, etc. The idea seems to be to get Joe Six-pack to think, “Well, Dubya may be a lyin’ theivin’ corrupt bastard, but at least he’s protectin’ our treasured social fabric from them dastardly committed domestic pre-verts. And he likes NASCAR.”

I also felt that the inability of gays and lesbians to marry, while unjust, would probably be rectified within the next generation, and was not hurting anybody in a concrete way in the meantime—that is, compared to the cost of the environmental destruction, economic malfeasance, erosion of liberties, and wars for profit that are sure to continue under a second Bush regime.

(I recognize the exceptions are the legal and civil disadvantages unmarried gay couples face, but I believe the public is much more receptive at this time to correcting those inequities through “civil unions,” etc., which is what candidate Kerry—wisely, I believe, for now—has endorsed.)

But then comes the reaction from seeing happy people actually getting married (including some whom I know and wish good things for), and it’s hard to tell them that they should put their lives on hold for even another day, because it’s not politically expedient.

"Only a constitutional amendment can now assure that marriage between a woman and a man, and the family they raise, can remain into the future a foundational element of our society,'' [San Francisco Catholic Archbishop William] Levada said.

Yep, if we allow these loving couples to tie the knot, it’ll be the death knell for two-parent heterosexual families. I can just see John and Jane Q. Public watching the news: “Honey, did you see that they're letting the gays get married?”

“Damn. I guess we might as well forget this family shit now. Do you want to tell Junior or should I?”

I guess the point of all this is that I wish people in this country weren’t so damn attached to their precious prejudices and could just look at something for what it is once in a while. (And the sky is blue and fighting is bad and the Pope is Catholic, despite what the guy from Mad Max says.)

But wouldn’t it be great if Bush made his principled stand for his approved version of The American Family®…

…and lost anyway?

Black vs. White in Black and White
OK, let me clarify something. I've been told that I'm not making my challenges to the readers clear enough. Regarding yesterday's post about celebrity match-ups featuring humorous name juxtapositions, I want you to come up with more and post them in the comments. Do it! Post them! Amaze me and your fellow readers!

And the author of the best submission will get some prize or something!

Two Men (or Two Women or One Man and One Woman) Enter, One Man (or Woman or Two Women or One Man and One Woman if it’s a Tie) Leave
Mimi Smartypants thinks that Jack Black and Jack White should duke it out on Pay-per-View. While I support this (as it would result in one or the other of these overhyped people getting beat up on television), I also see it as an opportunity to promote some other big-ticket bouts:

• Shelly Long v. Martin Short
  
• Gary Oldman v. Henny Youngman
  
• Al Goldstein v. Shel Silverstein
  
• Aaron Sorkin v. Andrea Dworkin
  
• Cynthia Nixon v. Trot Nixon
  
• James Joyce v. Joyce Brothers
  
• Betty Ford v. Abraham Lincoln v. Freddy Mercury
  
• George W. Bush v. Joe Q. Twat

I now throw down this gauntlet (or gantlet if you’re a know-it-all) at the feet of our noble readers. Don’t disappoint me now...

WULAD Web Wround-Up (Re-recycled Edition)
This has been a somewhat stressful week for WULAD, but just to put it in perspective, we'll all be consumed by flooding, anarchy and war within the next 20 years. So I guess I can chill out about the moving van rental.

Speaking of chilling out, here's where I skim the Froth of Interest from the Cappucinos of Compilation I've found in other blogs to avoid having to steam my own Milk of New Smart Creativity Stuff.

From Patho. Poly., we discover a hilarious old Michael O'Donoghue treatise on creative writing, featuring the following excellent example of an opening sentence:

"I have in my hands," Professor Willobee exclaimed, clutching a sheaf of papers in his trembling fingers and pacing in circles about the carpet while I stood at the window, barely able to make out the Capitol dome through the thick, churning fog that rolled in off the Potomac, wondering to myself what matter could possibly be so urgent as to bring the distinguished historian bursting into my State Department office at the unseemly hour, "definitive proof that Abraham Lincoln was a homo!"

I feel this news is almost reason enough to move back to New York. Almost. (via testpattern.)

Lastly—those who don't know or care how it's possible to strike out four batters in an inning may skip this item—the "Who-Rod?" Mets are in camp, making the usual non-statements about the usual non-subjects, as the NYC sports media drones on endlessly about the team's subtraction by non-addition. SaberMets pretty much sums up the feelings of the God-Knows-Why-We're-Faithful: "...most of us are all-too-happy to put the Alex Rodriguez saga behind us, and then some useless scribe makes us wonder how we talked outselves out of gouging our eyes out to avoid reading any more of their drivel." Wait—were we not supposed to go through with the eye-gouging?

Brushes with Brushes with Greatness, vol. mxcvii
In all the hubbub that is my life right now, I neglected to mention that WULAD Wregular Belle had a run-in last week with one of the MythBusters guys. He told her, over cocktails, that the show has been after Richard Gere about "the gerbil thing" but the pansy won't return their calls. Celebrities!

Happy Mondays all around while we await the cataclysmic flooding and death!

Things I Would Rather Do than Work on a Saturday
...as influenced by Yahoo's Most Popular photos:

• Have my wounds cleaned by maggots
  
  
• Watch a toddler (who resembles C-baby) eat a crispy roasted rat
  
  
• Do my food-shopping at PetCo
  
  
• Listen to a 6-disc boxed set of this guy's greatest hits
  
  
• Be given a shot in my ass
  
  
• Visit "Rock City"
  
  
• Have my wardrobe selected by the owner of this dog
  
  
• Resuscitate a heart-attack victim

And yet...

Your Dreams Analyzed
In this new feature, the WULAD Subconscious Squad tackles your nightly journeys to the Land of Nod, and gives you the answers you need to integrate the wisdom of your inner self into your daily life. Enjoy!

I am in my bathroom when I notice a small wooly caterpillar crawling up the wall beside the toilet. The caterpillar begins to grow gradually and change shape and color, until it assumes the form of my hunchbacked grade-school cafeteria monitor, Mrs. Jerbala. As I let her out the front door, she warns me to cook my eggs fully, and I resume my duties as the executioner of God.

– P.D., Albuquerque, New Jersey

P.D., your subconscious is telling you to take a vacation, preferably at the fabulous Villa del Rio Vista in sunny Mexico! Situated on its own secluded beach, Villa del Rio Vista offers tranquility and understated luxury just a mile north of Mazatlán's "Golden Zone" tourist area. Whether you seek deep-sea fishing or bullfights, discos or fine cuisine, shopping or simply sun-filled days—Villa del Rio Vista has it all! Also, you have abandonment issues.

I am running down a long, dark hallway. Mr. Krause, the scary old man with the nail fungus who lived across the street from my Aunt, is chasing me and calling me a whore. I keep stumbling and can hear him catching up to me, but I somehow manage to stay a few steps ahead. Suddenly I see a door at the end of the hall, but as it opens I am confronted by a hideous faceless dwarf that I realize is me.

– M.T., El Paso, New Jersey

Well, that sounds like a disturbing dream, M.T., but you should know that the signs are not all bad. Scary old men in dreams often represent our unfulfilled life goals—in your case, to be a whore—and long dark hallways can be a sign of repressed rage, possibly because your little brother once put your hands in warm water while you slept, causing you to wet the bed, and then photographed the scene and showed the picture to all of your friends. You should tell him this is unacceptable behavior for a 38-year old.

I have a recurring dream that I’m drowning in a deep, bitterly cold lake. I can see the shore, but every time I almost reach it, a powerful, malevolent force pulls me back down. There are ghostly children staring at me from the beach as I struggle, and they are dressed in the vestments of Catholic priests.

– R.P., New Orleans, New Jersey

I believe this dream is alluding to the unresolved feelings of guilt you may feel for the deaths of those children dressed as Catholic priests who you drowned in a lake as part of your fraternity initiation at Arizona State. These fraternities are really getting out of hand—when me and Skootch pledged Pi Theta Epsilon, we only had to drink two gallons of Jim Beam and fight each other naked with sharpened croquet mallet handles while our brothers pelted us with cans of Bush’s Best® Barbecue Baked Beans (which are slow simmered in herbs and spices until they’re just dripping with authentic barbecue flavor).

All my friends are throwing me a party. Everyone is there, and they’re all happy and telling me how glad they are to see me. Danielle W., who I had a crush on all through high school, has become my loving wife, and celebrities such as Jennifer Aniston and Howard Hessman are there to wish me well. As I look upon this scene of total affection and support, a feeling of profound contentment washes over me; for the first time I know that everything is really and truly going to be all right.

– T.S., Sioux City, New Jersey

Thanks for writing, T.S. Don’t take this the wrong way, but Howard Hessman is an ancient symbol of unspeakable evil. You might want to get your affairs in order. Like now.

Life is Suffering; Baseball No Exception
Al Leiter (of the Other New York Team) on the Yankeefication of Alex Rodriguez:

I don't think salt in the wound describes it enough. It's more like rubbing salt, and then pouring hydrogen peroxide and rubbing alcohol and rust in there at the same time.

We couldn't agree more, although Al forgot the lemon juice and rat poop. Is it too late to become a hockey fan?

New Digs for All
WWKAD? be all like, "WULAD got a new design, we gotta get a new design and steal their thunder an' shit." Well, go check it out already.

The Future is Now
Because the WULAD Winspiration Wbrigade has been spending its leisure time crafting the new look you see before you, we don't really have anything new or interesting to offer in the way of amusing anecdotes and/or ideas. So instead, it's time for the old space filler...

WULAD Web Wround-Up
What if you threw an election scandal party, and nobody came?

One more reason to stay in your plastic bubble, as if you needed one more.

Few people know how deeply the issue of gay marriage is connected to the Heimlich maneuver.

Also, I've added Iceblog to the honor roll at right; it's all about someone who does supersmart science stuff in Antarctica, or at least pretends to. And the blog of My Former Main Man General Clark is off the list, having made the transition to VP hopeful. C'est la tough shit.

And
Yesterday morning two unsighted passengers got on the Venerable 27 Bryant Bus at successive stops; as I noticed the different ways they interacted with the driver and their surroundings, I suddenly caught the voice in my head admonishing me: "Don't stare at the blind people!"

Happy Greeting Card Industry Day, everybody!

Wrapped Up Like a Campaign
Well, My Main Man Wesley Clark is out of it, but that's OK, since I always considered John "Don't Call Me Prune-Face" Kerry a good alternative. So he will now officially take over the reins of the MyMainManMobile. And who would the WULAD Politcal Patrol consider a wise choice for MyVice-MainMan? My former Main Man could do it well, although that would put the Dems in the strange position of running an all-military ticket; so the other logical choice would be John "Ritter" Edwards, who is a Good Ol' Southern Boy, doesn't suffer from foot-in-mouth disease, and can open cans of Pabst with his hair.

Meanwhile, here in SF, new mayor Gavo has fired the first local shot in the soon-to-be-ugly gay marriage wars by attempting to issue marriage licenses to gay couples (looks like he wasn't a Republican after all, Haight St. crowd!), prompting President Action Figure's people to rumble about his forthcoming endorsement of a constitutional amendment barring same. (Those "strict constructionalists" are always looking to tinker with the watchworks, aren't they?)

Here at WULAD we can only reiterate our reservations about making an issue over divisive social questions like gay marriage and abortion when the best chance to send PAF home is to focus on the economy, the war, the accountability, the credibility, the lies, the dirty deeds done dirt cheap (or in this case, done for trillions of taxpayer dollars). Which is why you'll notice that My (new) Main Man favors civil unions but not gay marriage. I say, get our damn country back first. Wow! That was exciting. Was it good for you too?

Oh, the Places I'll Go
Today is a red-letter—or at least a pale salmon-colored-letter—day here at WULAD; I have officially transcended the ever-popular Brushes with Brushes with Greatness category and can report an actual Brush with Greatness (only once removed). C. Monks, proprietor and chief hoo-hah artiste of one of the more esteemed blogs in this webnorhood, has accepted my attention-grubbing application and inducted me into the Utter Wonder Hall of Fame.

(Readers may note that Mr. Monks refers to WULAD as "popular"; and while I admit it might be considered popular in the sense that Cantonese translations of the early poetry of The Love Boat's Gavin MacLeod would be considered popular, I think he's just trying to be nice.)

So head over, view my incriminating picture, comment sardonically on it, laugh and cry at my expense; it's all for charity, so nobody gets hurt.

Dinette Vignettes, Part mcxvii
Scene: N.Y.-style deli on Polk Street, Sunday afternoon. Belle shrugs in the direction of two large older ladies sitting a few tables away. "Check out those two," she says.

"What are they doing?" I ask.

"Existing."

Still More Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog

...as published in Ye Olde Medieval Tech News and Witchcraft Gazette, February 9, 1204 A.D.:

• Distracted by bare ankle of Lady Janette during stake-burning halftime show of ScourgeBowl ‘04
  
  
• Just flew in from a catapult in Saxony, and man, are my arms tired
  
  
• Locked self in the bathroom all day with my copy of Liber augmenti et diminutionis vacatus numeratio divinationis, if you know what I mean
  
  
• Convinced that blogs were created by our sworn enemies the Normans to steal our attention while they plunder our townships and teach our womenfolk how to read
  
  
• Beginning to think I shouldn’t have made out with that leper chick at the office party
  
  
• Tired of making cheap jokes at the expense of the heathen Chinese, and their silly “Great Wall” and “gunpowder”
  
  
• Bandwidth is for shit ever since Royal Telecom of His Majesty Richard I merged with Aquitaine Online
  
  
• Ideas not coming so easily after having evil headache spirits drilled out of skull
  
  
• My days of blasphemy are over, as I promised some Pope while I was on the rack
  
  
• Concerned about vulnerability to worms in Windows 1200 and my infected leg wound
  
  
• Heart not in it ever since Thomas á Becket bit the big one
  
  
• Was up late with the pogroms and whatnot
  
  
• Tired of making cheap jokes at the expense of the heathen Arabs, and their ridiculous “libraries” and “spherical trigonometry”
  
  
• Computer made of hay, pitch, and stone surprisingly ineffective

WULAD's Wbest of the Wrest
“Have you ever checked out [Such-and-such a website]?” I asked Belle the other day. “It’s on my links list.”

“I never check out anything unless you point it out,” she said. Assuming that this may be true for others, the WULAD Web Wrelations team would like to direct our readers to some recent additions to the phantasmagoria of internetertainment and webedification available to the right of your screen (left of screen for readers in Southern hemisphere). These will be especially valuable during the next few weeks, while the WULAD Wcreativity Wcouncil is battling decidedly non-blogtastic demands and cannot post as frequently as our voracious customers would prefer.

So, just to name a few of the Linkeratti who have recently turned our collective head:

• Danger Blog is chock full o’ fascinating reading related to comedy and humor writing, with a focus on its behind-the-scenes aspect; it is of special interest to people who aspire to cause others to poop their pants and develop aneurysms from laughter.
  
  
• Tower of Hubris is by an actual As-Seen-On-TV comedian with a reputation to protect, and therefore has a high standard of quality, as demonstrated by its propagation of this.
  
  
• Pathetic Geek Stories, formerly of the Onion AV Club, carries heart-rending, tear-jerking, pants-wetting tales that will either remind you of the bad old days or help you to better understand that special dork/dweeb/spaz (Reformed or Orthodox) in your life, and why he/she still gets upset when you mention kickball.
  
  
• The Sneeze tackles such age-old problems as the lack of a definitive international schoolyard insult resource and whether it’s safe to eat fourteen-year-old promotional cereal or dog treats.
  
  
• This is probably news to nobody, but just in case: all you need to know about the unstoppability of fighting, filing, war, and bears named after famous religious tracts, found here.
  
  
• Yankee Pot Roast and Eyeshot are carrying on the short/amusing fiction work of the late Haypenny. Someday WULAD will get around to submitting something to them.
  
  
• No mention will be made of the baseball blogs because I’m convinced I am the only visitor to this site who reads them. But hey playa-, owna- and manaja-hatas: spring training is just around the corner. You can run but you can’t hide.

So happy clicking! And don't say we never do anything for you.

The News in Quotes
Salon muses on the vegetable magnetism of John Kerry:

...on the other side of the polling numbers was John Kerry, the lantern-jawed New Englander whose expressions of enthusiasm make Al Gore look like Animal from the Muppets.

While in sports news, the New York Times gives its measured opinion of Janet Jackson's (half) rack, and finds her lacking:

Perhaps the one moment of honesty in that coldly choreographed tableau was when the cup came off and out tumbled what looked like a normal middle-aged woman's breast instead of an idealized Playboy bunny implant.

And the Chronicle tactfully notes that the saga of the malfunctioning wardrobe illustrates the dark side of the CBS-MTV-Viacom-Nipple empire of denial, and comes up with a good general rule, to boot: "Maybe this will serve as a lesson to Viacom and other giant media conglomerates: Be careful who you swallow."

The News in Pictures

More Top Excuses for Not Updating Blog

...as reported in The New York Times in Your Skull, Feb 2, 2104 A.D.

• Ambushed by cloned self in dark alley, organs stolen while unconscious
  
  
• Worn out from long night with AguileraBot
  
  
• Third head really killing me today
  
  
• Ordered to report to Iraq by Generalissimo Dick Cheney IV, again
  
  
• Busy penning article on genius of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, now universally acknowledged as best film ever made
  
  
• Demoralized by lack of good holo-comments
  
  
• Distracted by Janet Jackson’s reanimated singing nipple during SuperBowl CXXXVIII
  
  
• Following 11th Commandment ("Thou shalt have no other blogs before mine"), recently posted by God 2.0 on www.BlogAlmighty.com
  
  
• Immersed in oeuvre of greatest living American novelist Paris Hilton (especially her epic Finnegans Wake 2: Electric Boogaloo)
  
  
• Made self sick by eating 22 bowls of Soylent Green just to get to prize at bottom of box
  
  
• Lost interest when told that blogs now outnumber humans by factor of twelve